Just hi

Before describing my life and my feelings after loosing my baby 22 months ago, I just wanted to share some pictures of us when Emilia (our rainbow baby) was 3 months old. today she is 7 months old.

And how do I feel today. I feel thankful. I feel stronger. I feel wiser. But I steel feel sadness, whenever I think on how much I loss I can't fight feeling sad. I know those feelings came to stay. And I also don't want them to leave me completely. In a way those feelings put me in contact with my dear Inés.

Also these days I have been thinking on how important my three girls have been for my personal development. Isabel brought a stronger Mariana out of me, Inés brought a more spiritual Mariana out of me and Emilia brought a more balanced Mariana out of me. Thank you girls making me a better person.

Nightmares

So Emilia is here. It is just a blassssssttttt. We are very pleased about her being in our family. Our everyday life is begining to set back to normal, to 'our new normal'. It seems that we are again having joy pure joy in our lifes. I am glad.
However, it is becoming frequent that I experience this nightmares at night. These nightmares where I am at normal situation and this normal situation it suddenly turns into a kind of bad situation, where my life or my alife daughters' life are in danger. I think these nightmares are to clear, I live with a constant fear of lossing them. It is just overwhelming.

The last nightmare was about me being in my SUV, my dad was driving me and my husband. My daughters where with my sister, in another car that was just following us in a road. Suddenly, there was a Tsunami and we were trying to scape the sea wave, but then I saw how my sister's car was covered with water and I was just worried thinking that Emlia and Isabel might be death. I woke up so frightened, terrified and hating su much that I not only lost Ines but that I lost my confidence and at some point my sanity.

Almost two months old

Time goes fast. It has been two months since I wrote the last post. Many things are going on but the most important is that I am so pleased, thankful, graceful and joyful since Emily arrived to my life. We are doing great with her. She is an amazing baby. On monday, she will be two months and she already doubled her birth weight. She is also sleeping better at nights, she already smiles and cues. There are not words to express how much her father and her sister Isabel love her, they are so so so happy too. I went through a lot to bring this baby home and it was all worth it. I truly believe that very often when you truly put effort on something you will eventually have a reward. That is how I feel now.

In the meanwhile, I sometimes cry very often because I think of Inés and it hurts so much. And it also hurts that it is always going to hurt. It hurts so much that I loss the most precious in life. It still impacts my heart, my soul and my whole emotional world. It hurts that nothing and nobody can erase such a tragedy and that nobody can fill the empty space that exists in every family celebration, in every family picture and in every family members count. At the same time, this loss has brought a lot of union between me and my husband, it has brought courage and a lot of true joy. I love him more than ever, I respect him more than ever and I wish him the best mor ethan ever. I guess this new way of loving and enjoying is maybe a benefit of the life you have after loss.

Emilia looks like Inés and it brings memories to me, specially when she is peacefully slepping. She got Ines' eyelashes. When I see her sleeping, I just can't stop thinking that my body and my soul would not stand another loss. I really fear that something can happen to Isabel and Emilia, because I don't think I could stand it. But that is the price of love, the fear to loose it.

I always said that I just had to complete my family as planned before Ines' death in order to start Ines' legal case. Is not that I hate these people who are responsable of Ines' death, because I don't want hate to reside in my heart, in myself and my family. But, I guess that I will procede because until today we have not recieved an apology of their part, nor because their mistake, nor because they took advantage of the situation in order to 'covered' themselves at the expense of hurting us. Ines' information (file) was disappeared from the hospital, and her organs were not donated as we asked because they wanted to erase every single evidence in order to avoid legal implications. Those things hurt us very very much and made more difficult our recovery. Is not their mistake, is the nasty behavior these people showed us when we were more vulnerable than ever. They hurt us much more than anyone can think. So a new topic for this blog will soon begin.

Brief

We are doing great with Emilia. Nursing is already estalished, definately the second one is far easier when it comes to nursing, eventhough the latch of a 37 week newborn is by far less strong than the latch of a 40 week old newborn, so basically I just nurse her all day long. The next step is to begin pumping some breast milk to complement her with a bottle, specially at nights. This is maybe until she grows a little and develops a stronger latch.

The first two nights at home were critical, we stayed awake most of the time, but the third night (lats night) she slept much better and me too. We complemented her feeding with some formula since I was terribly exhausted and feeling a bit of blues. B fed her and I rested and I feel great today, the blues went away. Isabel is happy and behaving like an amazing big sister, she is being amazingly tolerant with the situation, she is great. B has been amazingly supportive and I see how the three of us were more than ready to receive little Emilia. Here are some pics! She is almost a week old!

She is here!

Emilia is here, she arrived one day before, on Wednesday, March 30, 2011. We are more than joyful, we are pleased that she arrived safely. No words can describe how much love and pain have been involved in this very long journey, but it is just worth it. She looks very much like her both sisters, except that she is very tiny since she was born in week 37 instead of week 39 and 40. Yesterday was our first day at home and of course I am already sleep deprived, but the sleep deprived you want to be, because last year I was sleep deprived because of the intense grief I went through after Inés died. I hope I can post Emilia's complete birth story soon, now I do have limited time. But I just wanted to let know that she is here and the 5 of us are so joyful.

Thursday March 31 st, 2011

The big day is almost here. My c-section is programmed to happen this Thursday March 31 st, 2011 at 4pm central time. So Emilia will be born at week 37 and 4 days. God bless you Emilia, we are eager to meet you and have you here in Earth with us for many many years.

36 weeks and 6 days

Ok. Today I am feeling better. The nasty 'intruders' are still there but they have shorten and release me from that terrible pain. I can't stand up for long, so I remain sitted most of the time, but I am not in pain and I am thankful for that. Emilia is fine, she is moving very actively so she reassures me often.

The past week was very challenging, not only because the pain, and that I was only capable to spend my days in 2 positions; laying in bed in the right or left side. That is it. The most challenging was these hemorrhoids brought all the most sad memories and thoughts about Inés' death. Fucking swollen hemorrhoids were not the direct cause (off course)of her dying, but they were in fact the triggering event of Inés' death. I know such statememnt is beyond comprehension, but is true. Now, such stupidity causes me the worst of frustrations, angers and sad moments.

As expected, these past days I went through the most terrifying déjà vu. All memories just jumped into ourlives because while I was getting better last time, then Inés stop moving, then she died. So many of us were wondering what was going to happen this time, even though we clearly know that what happen to Inés can't repeat this time. At least not in the exact same way.

People such as friends, neighbors and extended family realized that something wrong was going on these past days since we didn't show up to a couple of important events and people perceived our routine was changed. My car didn't move for more than 10 days and people realize such changes. They became stressed because when I was pregnnat with Inés we behaved the same and then Inés died. I received some calls with questions on how I am doing, why I didn't show up, how is the baby doing or just to checked if everything is ok. I sure appreciate their concerns, because I know they want the best for us. I do understand their stress, but the calls somehow bothered me since they just add up to our own already magnified stress. Even Isabel, she was continously watching and asking me 'mom why are you in bed?','Is Emilia ok or she is dying? (My God 5 year olds are so clear and direct)One day she came back from school and I was taking a nap in my bed, she suddenly pull off my blankets and told me "I want to see your belly, Is Emilia still their"

One day, I just cried long because I thought that I have been through a lot these past two years. My soul is exhausted and my body feels worn out. I was thinking that I have been pregnant during 18 months in the past 2 years. I know many BLMs want to be soon pregnant, including myself, and I was very lucky to make it possible, but trust me that such thing also has its own challenges, emotionally and physically.

Above all, today is a great day. I am happy and joyful, just 2 days from carrying a full term baby. Such milestone gives me some peace of mine. The pain is gone and I am preparing from home the last things for her arrival. Yesterday I ordered a beautiful basket with retreats for our visitors at the hospital. It was expensive (ouch) but I wanted to pampered ourselves. I just washed her cloths, they are ready to be packed. I can't believe it, I am packing!!! Next Tuesday (Week 37 with 3 days) I 'll see the doctor, he will check how much she weights and then we will decide the date for the C Section but it is almost certain that she will be born between next Thursady and Sunday. Please keep your fingers cross for these last days.

I see her things and I just can't believe is a matter of days...I am so happy and thankful. I can't wait to bring her home :)