Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans (John Lenon)

I haven't wrote about the contradiction that exsists between my pregnancy with Isabel and my pregnancy with Inés, and also between the stories of both.

I was pregnant with Isabel by accident. Yes, that is the whole true. We were not planning to have a baby. We were in fact planning to study our graduate studies in the U.S., so basically there was not a plan for a baby in such scenario. All our time and resources were supposed to be devoted to our studies and such plan implied moving out of our country for some years.

However in the meanwhile, I got pregnant. We were supposed to leave in Summer 2004 but B did get accpeted in his program so we stayed one more year with the hope he will be accepted the upcoming year. So in Fall 2004 he applied again for starting his program in 2005. I was just waiting for B to be accepted inhis programme since I was already accepted in mine. My school saved my place in the programme I appplied for one year. I had to start the program in August 2005 in order to keep my place an dthe scholarship thta was awarded to me.

So, as you already know, life is what happens while you are busy making other plans. While waiting I got pregnant in early December 2004, just nine months before I was supposed to start my graduate programme. In fact, Grad school was programmed to start on Monday August 29, 2005. I will never forget that day. And my due date was Wednesday August 24, 2005. When I realized that, I was shocked. I was pregnant and back then I saw how my dream about studying grad school clearly was shaking. How could I be giving birth the week before starting grad school. No way. Reality bited me. But I felt excited about being a mom.

There was a voice inside me telling me hey! It is not the end of the world, it is just a baby, a lovely baby. Don´t quit grad school plans, take your baby with you. So, that voice won and that is what I did. I call my school and talked to the satff openly about my situation. The programme director was such a cool person, she told me: don't worry honey we can offer you to start your first semester during summer school, then you can leave a semester again while the baby grow and then you can come back. However, she was clear about the fact that I had to start school before the end of August, 2005 since they were saving my place since 2004 and they can't svae places for more that one year.

When I was 24 weeks pregnant I moved to the U.S. and started grad school. The amazing thing was that I went by myself. B was finally accepted but his programme was supposed to start until August, 2005. He couldn't quit his job in order to leave with in May. We couldn't afford to have him without working, we needed to save more money to pay grad school, living expenses while studying and a brand new baby!

I was healthy, strong and yes, very crazy. I had no idea about all the things that could go wrong. It never crossed my mind that my baby could die. Let me tell you that I was very happy about her coming to this world, even though it took me by surprised. I wanted a girl and I was excited she was supposed to be girl. I was so busy with grad school that I had no time for thinking on negative scenarios.

So B finally arrived on August 1, 2005, then I finshed school on August 7, 2005. We moved to a different apartment and by mid August we thought oh! we are having a baby. So we went to the stores and start buying things for Isabel, her crib, stroller, clothing. We prepared the nursery and we waited few more days until August 27, 2005. She was born 3 days after my due date at 8 o'clock, by natural birth. With a doctor we met few times before. We picked the doctor based on no references since we knew nobody in Pittsburgh. But everything was perfect. Without wishing, without worrying, without any stress, Isabel was born beautiful and healthy that evening of August 27, 2005. So alert, so healthy. After two days at the hospital, I went home with my brand new baby. To start my new life as a mom. Piece of cake. That is what I thought. Babys are piece of cake. I never even tried to get pregnant. I never even thought something can go wrong. The most uneventful and easygoing pregnancya I will ever have. And there I was trying to nurse her and dealing with sleepless nights and all the changes a new baby implies. But that is it. I leaved school for a whole year, during that time I was full time mom. I went back to school when Isabel was a year old. We were just so in love with her. When she was two we came back to Mexico. What a great time back then, we were done with grad school, we had an amazing toddler and we were back home. But my feeling was that babies suddenly come, and they come against all odds. So I was freaked out about getting pregnant again by accident. That was my fear (come on!).

When Isabel was 3 years old we decided to have another baby, but first we wanted to buy a bigger apartment to fit better, so we saved money and waited some months to try for the baby. Then when Isabel was 3.5 years we again thought about trying and decided to buy the best health insurance plan, so again we waited a coupple of months more. Then we planned a trip to get pregnant there, we went to Puerto Vallarta and we got pregnant soon after. Everything was so well planned.

We registred ourselves in a birth club and we took birth lesson's from week 20 to week 37. Oh! the name. We already had the name before getting pregnant. We wanted to call her Inés since then. There was not even another option. Her nursery was set many months in advanced. I actually made a baby shopping trip, since I love shopping for babies in the US, something I learned while living there. We moved to our brand new appartment and we planned how our life was going to be in there with our new baby. We picked the most well refered Dr. somebody who I regreat ever hearing about.I stopped working month and a half in advance to rest and and wait for her arrival. So many many plans. But the most planned baby died one hour after she was born. And I was devastated and all my plans and dreams were suddenly lost.

When I was not exactly willing a baby I got a baby, when I was eagerly wishing a baby I got no baby. That has been my motherhood. However it is important to mention that it was easy to accomodate my life when Isabel was born and we felt in love inmediately after. The unexpected ( in Spanish unexpected is traduced to the word 'inesperada', see how Ines is in the beginnig of that word, strange) death of Ines is the experience we cannot easily accomodate in ourlives.

Lifetime sentenced to pain

When I got the horrible news that Inés had died, I felt that I had just been subject to a lifetime sentence to pain. I felt so disgraceful, why me, why someone can be subject of such tragedy. I never wanted to become part of parents who have lost a child.

I see her pictures and I see how beuatiful she was. And I just can't fully accept I lost her. I lost the one thing people fear the most to loose, a child. I am part of such group of people. I sometimes I still feel shocked by such hard reality: I am a parent who has survived the loss of a child. I say it and still feel is a very strong statement. I can't believe it happened to me.

When I saw her the first time, she was already death, she in fact died one hour before I could see her for the first time. I remember I was shocked by her beauty. Really. I had never seen before a newborn with such beautiful full and long eyelashes, see the picture. Unfortunately, this picture was taken when she had been death for 12 hours, so her face shows already the rigor mortis of a death person. But she still looks beautiful and I bet she was going to be a beautiful girl and woman. She had this very perfect mouth. She looked like her sister Isabel, her body was really similar, her legs and toes were identical, but Ines was a bit bigger.

Oh Inés. It just hurts so much to think that I don't even know how much I am missing by not having you. If just something didn't follow the course of actions that in fact occured you might be here, with your family, just about to turn a year old. I will always wonder what if.

LUV U ALWAYS

My mistery

I have a mistery. You might know by now what is this mistery about. I have never really explained what happened to Inés, the reason of her death. I DO know. But there is a reason to not disclose it yet. But come on....she is not here...she died already....that is the bottom line. Who cares what happened in reality, she is dead, period, end of the story. In my case, when she died a great part of this story just began. It seems overwhelming, and it is. It is so overwhelming learning to live again after your baby dies, but in my case her death is just part of the story. Many many many times I question WHY ME, WHY, WHY ME IN THIS WAY!!! In part, I feel I have a lot more 'homework' than others and that makes me feel lonley lonley lonley. I have to deal with so much. But the good news is that I feel that everyday I am closer to end my mistery and to share to the world my whole story.

Sadness hit me again

Yesterday I started to feel sad.
I was also feeling angry, very angry because she died.
I cried for maybe two hours until I felt better.
Today my body hearts as if the pain became physical.

It was a huge deal to go to work. I had no interest in my duties and I really did not want to see anyone or talk to people. Isabel is having her ballet presentation in two weeks, so after work I took her to her ballet class. I felt asleep in the waiting room. I think I am depressed, because I feel a tremendous lack of energy. I think is not a pathological depression, it is just part of my grieving.

The worst is that I am starting a new project on Wednesday, which is going to demand a huge amount of energy and focusing, and I just lack both for now. I have been thinking that I want to freelance projects instead of working in an organization. More than ever, I have been thinking on taking the risk. It happens that two people want to partner with me and start a consulting firm. I don't feel ready for start a firm but at the same time I feel stucked in my job. Maybe is time to move on and try.

About Ines, well she is still at home. Her ashes are here and I just can't see what is wrong with that. A couple of months ago, Isabel's therapist made this ugh face when I told her that Ines was at home. I felt that she meant that such an attachment is not healthy and it is not contributing to solve the situation. I dont' agree. I don't see why this is not healthy. I actually feel fine that her ashes are here in my walking closet. I see them every day and I feel that I didn't bring her alive to our home, but I still brought her someway and that she is with us in 'someway' too.
Maybe it is tricky what I feel, but I don't feel fine with the idea of taking her out.

Dear Ines: I love you honey, I hope you feel fine wherever you are. I missed you SO MUCH, no words can decsribe how much I love and miss all that we could have share. My life is still trying to go back to normal, but the sadness and emptyness just hit me again.

Four months since we said good bye

Dear Ines,

Its been four months since we said goodbye. Many people say that my grief will start to feel better whenever I start to see the positive things that can come from your departure. But I still see nothing positive from you departing this world. There are still no words and no thoughts that can calm my heartache. I still feel my soul in fire, a deep agony. I can't see anything positive yet. Indeed, I don't envision when am I going to find a positive angle to such a tragic event.

I actually think this should have not happen because you were a healthy baby, you were meant to be with us. Your departure is maybe one of the most tragic deaths I have ever heard about. It is so sad. I hope one day soon I can yield your story.

Today, Daddy, Isabel and I remembered you. We bought you some flowers that we put next to your portraits. Each of us said some words to you. Oh Ines, we miss you no matter how many months can go by. We love you precious. You are forever in my heart and memories. God bless you wherever you are. Rest in peace.

Oh God! please give me a break

A new addition to the extended family. My sister P is pregnant. You should have seen her face while breaking the news to me. I've never seen so much pitty in her face. She is been one month thinking on how to tell me. I hate what death has done to my life. This new pregnancy is going to build a 1000 secrets among us. I am starting to sense that. Why now that I need her so much?

She is my BEST FRIEND. We have been BEST FRIENDS for 31 years. I don't know what to feel. The baby topic raised in our family. Those sad faces are becoming glad faces. She is so happy, she is blowing. And I can't share her happiness. My life is so hard right now. I can't be happy even for the ones I love the most. I am starting to feel far from them because they feel joyful and I can't. The pain is setting me apart from my people: S.O.S

I use to spend a considerable amount of time with my sister, but watching her belly grow will be hard. Can you imagine how the baby topic will start to increase its share in family gatherings? How far are you? Is it boy or girl? How do you feel? And my grief and I just trying to remain cool. Oh God! please give me a break.

Back to Durango with empty arms & broken hearts

We are just back from being one week away home. We went visiting B's home town, a northern city called Durango. The last time I was there was in December, 2008. In fact, it was in there when B and I decided to go ahead and try to get pregnant with a new baby during early 2009.

I didn't visit Durango during all 2009. I was pregnant from April to the end of the year and we had a pretty busy year in our jobs and while moving to a new apartment. However, my in laws spread the news that we were expecting a new baby on early January. B's relatives were anxious about meeting our new baby girl Ines. Two other cousins were also expecting new babies on early March. By the way those babies arrived safe to earth.

So we were in Durango this holly week and it was very sad to arrive with no baby, with empty arms and broken hearts. We stayed with my in laws. Many relatives went to visit us. They gave us special hugs and in way they looked to us I know how sorry they feel about our loss. But almost no one wanted to say a thing about Ines death.

I was somehow shocked that very few people actually said something about our loss. In the middle of some family gathering, just two poeple out of decens said to me something about our loss. I really appreciate those who hugged me and whispered in my ear "Hey I really feel sorry about your loss, I hope you can find the way out soon" or "My prayers are with you".

On Holy Thursday we celebrated my niece was turning two years old. The party took place in my in laws' place. Many relatives came in, including those two cousins with their brand new babies. It was a shock to see them. I saw them briefly and tried to evade the situation. I felt with the right to escape from the awkard situation. I am glad they are fine and alive but I don´t want to congratulate new parents, or to hug or smile at babies. I feel awkard. And I actually don't care if it was pretty obvious that I was trying to be far from those babies. I am still totally devastated. During the party I was actually thinking that the next day we were going to be three months away from saying good bye to Ines. I missed her so much at that party.

We were supposed to bring her to Durango, one of many milestones we are never going to reach. During the trip I felt empty and broken heart.

Ines I am so sorry we could not make to go to Durango where all your family would have loved to see you and hugged you. We felt so incomplete getting in there without you.

The morning oF Holy Friday I was devastated. I mentioned during breakfast time that three months ago you died. I saw tears running from your grandmother's eyes. We all thought about you. I could not stop the crying and I broke in tears. I said to everyone how much pain I still feel and how hard it has been. It was a touching moment but I felt no progress. I felt as if I had just received the news about your death. I felt like starting on day one again.

Ines I love you with all my heart and I can't believe its been three months since we said good bye. I still can't accept your absence and that you will never be here. I want you back princess, you belong with us. I think of you all the time. I love you always my dear.

Pregnancy pictures

As many expectant mothers do, when I was about to pop I went to have a photo studio of my pregnant body. B, Isabel and myself went to this photo studio and they took pictures of the beautiful belly and our beautiful smiles that showed nothing but how proud, hopeful and joyful we were about the addition of Ines to our familiy. We never thought how all that joy was going to turn into bitterness and how those smiles will turn into cryings. We never thought that those pictures were going to be such a milestone in our grieving process.

She died on January the 2nd, our appointment to select the photos was on January 31. I remember that after the photo session took place the lady asked me when to book the photo selection session and I said to her that "the end of January would be a good time because earlier I was going to be quite tired and busy with the newborn". I thought that maybe Ines was going to be around 3 weeks old by then and that maybe 'that one' was going to be the first trip of Ines to our nearby mall.

I remember when the same lady called on January 30, she asked to speak with me to confirm the appointment. I could not speak to her. B spoke to her and he said: "I am sorry we can't go to the session. We have to pospone it. Unfortunately, the baby died shortly after birth and my wife and I are not ready to see those pictures, can you save them? We want to see them eventually and keep some of them, but we can't for now". He said they were very very touched by our tragic event.

I have been telling B during the past weeks that we must see those pictures and keep some of them. I called the photo studio today and asked the lady to upload the pictures in the Internet, we plan to see them today and see them together. B is actually getting home earlier and we are finally going to face the situation. I know we are going to cry, maybe we are going to cry to sleep. It is going to be damn sad.

You might get to see some of the pictures, I plan to upload some of them in this
blog.