Christmas time is approaching

Inés

Christmas time is approaching soon. I have been fearing this time of the year, for many reasons. First because it is when families get together and our family can't be exactly complete without you. Second, because last year I was so happy and full of joy waiting for your arrival (see my picture with Inés in my belly just 5 weeks before she was born and died immediately after) thinking in the lifetime ahead we were suppose to share, however I never thought those were going to be the last days of you in this life. But as you know, I have worked all year long in accepting you were gone far sooner than I expected and wanted. That for better or worst I am learning to love you in the distance. However, my heart aches BECAUSE HOW MUCH I WISH YOU WERE HERE. This way of loving you in the distance is a totally new way of 'loving someone'. I bought Christmas boots for you and your siblings and today we were very glad to put yours and let know everyone that will come home during the season that you existed physically in this Earth and that your spirit lives forever in our memories and hearts. Loving you always pretty angel. I just wish so much you were here with us.

I am feeling the movements!!

Hey! I just started to feel rainbow baby moving all around!!! It is such a wonderful feeling. Before, somedays I woke up thinking if this baby was still there, alive and fine.I can now be updated by baby's moves. And yes, I am buying the heart rate machine to hear her heart rate starting in the third trimester which is still several weeks ahead. That will also help to ease my anguish, which hasn't been as bad, trust me.

I also wanted to share that we are not certain that rainbow baby is a boy, it might be a girl! What a roller coaster the gender detection has been in this pregnancy, but who cares. I actually laughed when the doctor told us that what the radiology center told me at 12 weeks ( that rainbow baby is a boy) might not be accurate. He told me to wait some weeks. I am so happy that everything so far looks so right that I actually don't care at all about the gender. We love this baby, it has been such a rainbow for all three, even for the extended family and friends, that the gender is just not even something worth to mention at all.

I don't now if I already shared with you that many friends and familiy have cried with us when I told them that we are again expecting. The tragedy and the grief have been in great part an opportunity to be loved and to feel people's support. We all thought our beautiful Inés was already with us and it was not, so many people shared our loss deeply and they are now sharing our hapiness. I have also received many many complements about my strength to keep going and to try again. I have received beautiful letters and thoughts about it, thanks to all of you.

I now have everything for her and everything for him, so no problema, we don't even need to know the gender. I am seriously thinking that we might wait until baby is born, because we don't need to buy more stuff and we don't actually need to know the gender.

I love rainbow baby and all of my three children.

Mariana.

Grieving again

I know I am going to grieve Ines forever. With different perspectives and intensities, but forever.

I am in Texas, with my sister. She is 39 weeks pregnant. I came to spend time with her since her husband is traveling and she has little boy. I did not want her to be alone this far in her pregnancy. Isabel and I arrived here a week ago and to be honest we have been spending a nice time.

These two weeks have been a good break from my routine, including my job. BTW, I quit my job at the end of September in order to start my own business, as I said in a past blog. I have just started as an independant consultant. And the best of it is that I already sold the first two projects. I am blowing. I have to say that I love my profession and it has been so rewarding during these tough times. The last day at the firm was on the 15th and my new projects will start on november 1st. So I took two weeks off.

I have been doing baby shopping, this is because baby shopping in the US is an advantage in terms of prices and product options -when I was pregnant with Inés I also came to the US to baby shop. And I also know that rainbow baby is supposed to be a BOY! During the last screening two doctors told it that it is a boy. Maybe a BLM would never start shopping by now, but in my case I wanted to take advantage of being in the US.

I have to admit that it hasn't been easy. My grieve increased during these days, in part it has been the baby shopping, I just pick things with fear that maybe I would never see them on. Exactly, one year ago I was baby shopping for Ines. So, now picking all new cloths remind me all my broken dreams about Ines. All her cloths were left, but more than the cloths alone, the dreamed moments of her wearing those cloths; like her baptism dress her big sister also weared, and the spring dress, and so many moments that I dreamed once, but now they will never be real, at least not in this life.

I have been in the stores and I head to the baby boys department, something totally new for me, like my whole new life after Inés. Then I walk and I pass by or leave behind the baby girls department. And that is how my life has been, it has been about leaving behind so many of the most precious dreams a mother can ever have while pregnant.

These past days I have been again processing the whole story. I always get to the point were I regreat so much changing my doctor at the end of Ines' pregnancy, at seven months. It was at the expense of Ines' life. I so much want to be back there and not ever change the practitioner, but I also know that I am not perfect and that unfortunatley I did what I thought it was right, I did my best Even though it was not enough. That is so hard to accept, we human beings do not like to think on our limitations, in those moments were all our will and effort were just not enough to get what we wanted so much. I wanted her to be here, I did my best and it was not enough.

However, in the good side of the experience, I am excited that this baby is a boy. It is going to bring such a fresh air. This on top I wanted to give Isabel so much a sister. Maybe some of the dreams are gone forever or maybe just posponed, who knows.

HERE COMES THE SUN!

My doctor was not calling to tell me about the results of the tests, so I called his office. They told me we have not received the results. I called the CT SCAN center and they told me that I must pick up them in their office before 8:30pm (if I still want to have them 'today'). "Results by email are sent before 2:00 p.m. and your results were not programmed to be ready before 4:00pm, that is why you and your doctor haven't recieved them by email". Ok. no special considerations for a BLM. In this country there are NO CONSIDERATIONS to such status. So after I hang the phone I had a business meeting and some work calls to do before being able to head to the clinic to pick up the results. At 7:45pm, I head out of my home office to pick up the results. I got there 8:30pm, not one minute after, not one minute before.

I told the lady I was there to pick up my results. She checked a bunch of sheets of papers with results and she told me, sorry lady I don't see your results. She searched again and found nothing. I asked why and she said I dunno it is strange, we never miss results. She told me to call the next morning (today) because nobody was there to help her, by then everybody has left so she was alone. Then I start thinking maybe the results are bad and they separated them from the rest or maybe they need to make the test again because maybe they saw something strange. My paranoia started to numb my body. I just beg and cross finger. I thought that it would be such bad luck to have a negative result, but nothing is granted. I actually know a BLM who after having a first baby stillbirth her second presented serious anomalies at 12 weeks pregnant.

Next morning I woke up and right after I called the CT Scann Center. I told them to llok for my results and they told me "Sorry lady we misplaced them but we found them and we can send them to your email". They told me to check my email in 30 minutes. I checked in about an hour. I saw no email. I called the center, again. They told, "Mrs. we are so sorry for such inconvinience we will send them right away". Finally two hours later I got them, finally someone thought about the anguish a BLM might be feeling while waiting for such results. When I saw the email I felt this bad sensation, a mix of anguish, with some butterflies in my stomach, fear and thinking that I will accept any result with some sanity.

I read the report, a one page report that started with a description of the placenta, the size of the baby, bla bla bla, until I read words like "normal movements", "complete body parts and members", "apparently normal development at gestational age", and no evidence of chromosomal disorder given the used technique (Nuchal translucency screening test) then my heart started to smile, I felt the tears just running out of my eyes. I felt JOY a very scarce feeling in our home during this year. I inmediately called B and told him the good news. When he came home after working he just hold me tight. Can see him shinning. We felt as if we have been living in this very long and cold winter, and the new pregnancy and the good results of the screening made us feel the Spring is finally arriving, as if the winter is getting to an end and the sun light is rising. I want to share this song with you all BLMs. Today I felt this in my heart:

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
It's all right

Wish me some luck!

Hey there!

Well I am 12 weeks pregnant, I can't believe how fast time goes by. Tomorrow I'll have done the tests to check for chromosomal disorders like down syndrome and trysomies. I am scared to death. I know I face the same risk regardless of what happened to Inés, she didn't have any chromosomal disorder, but I feel as if something can be wrong. I hate this pessimistic mood, however I can't fight it. The results will take 24 hrs, that would be like a year to me. I can't face a bad outcome and I know that it doesn't matter that I am still grieving Inés, life is life and this pregnancy is not exempted at all. I think I have lived so much disgrace recently that I don't deserve it, but who deserves it? Nobody deserves a death child or an ill child and still it happens. I am praying today, I am wishing with all my heart that this baby is just fine! Please wish me some luck.

11 weeks and many memories

I am 11 weeks pregnant. Nausea has been really tough. However B told me, "hey you don't have nausea these time, I am glad for you". In fact I have this terrible nausea but I just don't complain. I have been experiencing my all day sickness, but no one knows. Whenever, I feel very very sick I just think "worse things can happen".

I dunno why but I have been thinking a lot in some moments that marked my life forever. One moment when I heard the news that Inés died. What a shock. I still feel the shock. My daughter died. I had dream pregnancy. My daughter weight 8 pounds but she died. Howcome. The other moment I remember as painful as hell was when I woke up the next morning. Do not think I slept 8 hours, I slept two hours, from 4 to 6 am. When I woke up I just cried and scream. I ask B to bring her. I saw her, dead again, no change, no hope, she was dead forever. My pain was DEEP DEEP STRONG STRONG AND ACCUTE ACCUTE.

At that time we did not certainly knew what had happened to her. She stop moving, I went to the hospital, we found out her heart rate was not right, she was born in an emergency c-section, she struggle all the time after being born, she died one hour after. All tests were done to the placenta and cord to check if they failed at some point. But they did not. During day two the Dr. gave us another diagnostic, that she have died because of a heart failure due to a neural defect. Months after I found that 'his' diagnostic was not real, the Nactional Research Institute of Cardiology confirm to me that such diagnostic was not only not accurate, was faux. It is such an extra pain to find out that your doctor is just a moron. Then you feel very lonley.

And here go again!

Hey! It seems that life is returning some of what we recently lost. Of course Inés is gone from this life but some of the dreams we made are back, like bringing a new family member to this world and hoping for a new life. So yes, we are pregnant again. We were not exactly looking forward to happen in this precise moment. But it just happened. And I am happy. I stopped the pill but we were counting the days so I guess it did not worked and I am pregnant for the third time in my life. Yes, I am very happy. I feel joy and I thank God and life because I did not go through the process of 'trying' which can be a little bit stressful for BLMs (and fathers).

I am somehow stressed, because I should have waited a little longer because of the C-Section. However I talked to my practitioner and he is not concerned, he told me that after 6 months it is pretty safe. I hope this time what is less possible "stays" as less possible. Last time the less possible became a fact. Can this time life play to my favor? Yes that is THE QUESTION OF MANY BLMs.

Eventhough I was so excited to see the pregnancy test result, it was not the same as before loosing Inés. I lost a daughter and I lost my inocence. Know I REALLY know that in life there are just two things that are certain: The first one is that life is uncertain and the second one is that one day we will eventually die. So I just know that sooner or later this new baby and me will say goodbye, because we will eventually die. I just hope this time we can get to meet each other and share a lot of time in this life (please). When I saw the result, I also felt some sadness because I knew that there is a very very long and complex process to go through before the day I can finally hold that baby alife at home. So many things can go wrong.

A million questions are raising inside my head. Because I am now very aware about everything that can go wrong. But I won't allow myself to get overstressed, because I also learned that we humans can't control everything. So in my country we say "Get loose and cooperate" when we are super challenged.

B is super happy, but let's see how we deal with this during the next months.

Inés I love you and I know you are very very happy that a new sibling is coming to join our family, your family. I know she is going to love you like us. We all love you with all our hearts. I send you many kisses.