Feeling better

I realize that I have been through the most challenging events after Inés died.
It is really unbelievable how drammatic her loss has been. And I can't believe how strong I have been too. After all, I still breath, eat, work, love and enjoy my life. Yes I do, eventhough a piece of me will always be missing.

I am person who loves living, I still do, and I am proud of it. However, I still cry, oh yes many times. I still feel angry, oh yes many times, I still feel frustrated, oh yes, many times. I still daydream with her beauty and all that could have been, oh yes, many many times.

I just started a new project that makes me feel happy. I'll work as a consultant for UNICEF, I'll estimate the federal expenses the government of Mexico devotes to infants, children and youth. In the bottom of my heart I dedicate this effort to my dear Inés. I love helping the advocates of this cause. Hopefully this helps to fill some gaps in terms of public policy and resources that can favour our kids.

Thank you Inés for inspiring my life and filling it with love. I am feeling better.

What is that 'Golden Trophey?'

So that is just what Isabel asked me some days ago.

"Mommy what is that 'golden trophey' that you have in the top of your closet?"

I knew sooner or later that she was going to ask what is that 'golden trophey' and the 'Golden trophey' is Ines' ashes. I got into the topic with her, I felt great of facing this topics with her as she feels the need of knowing.

Me: "Honey this golden trophey, as you call it, is a container that has ashes, and those ashes are what was left from our dear Inés".
isabel: "So, death people become ashes?" "So Ines' brain and heart are there too"
Me: "Yes, sooner or later all death become ashes or dust". "Yes, all her parts became ashes".
Isabel: "Can I hold it? Can I open it?
Me: "Yes, You can hold it, but you can't open it, it will remain closed for now.
Isabel: (Holds the 'golden trophey'and she kisses it) I love you Inés, you are my little sister forever, even if I have more little siblings. I miss you. Everyone is sad because you died. I am playing with the little bear we bought to you, I called her 'Morita' like the baby in the movie the 'Ice Age'. Thanks for sharing it, is good to share, mommy says that.
Me: (Sobbing and crying) Whenever you want to hold the 'Golden Trophey' let me know.
Isabel: Mommy, is Ines in her 'Golden Trophey' is going to live in the house of deaths (cementery or our church's crypts) like other deaths? Because I rather like that she remains here, with us, then I can talk to her often.
Me: Mommy feels that way too, so she will stay until we want something different.

Ok. No words. I cried. But I had mixed feelings. I felt sad because Isabel has to speak to her sister when her sister is already ashes. If Inés would rather live, off course Isabel could have played and enjoyed her so much. But also, I enjoy that Isabel expressed her thoughts and feelings and all around Ines is not a taboo topic.

I love both of my girls.

Sadness hit me again

Yesterday I started to feel sad.
I was also feeling angry, very angry because she died.
I cried for maybe two hours until I felt better.
Today my body hearts as if the pain became physical.

It was a huge deal to go to work. I had no interest in my duties and I really did not want to see anyone or talk to people. Isabel is having her ballet presentation in two weeks, so after work I took her to her ballet class. I felt asleep in the waiting room. I think I am depressed, because I feel a tremendous lack of energy. I think is not a pathological depression, it is just part of my grieving.

The worst is that I am starting a new project on Wednesday, which is going to demand a huge amount of energy and focusing, and I just lack both for now. I have been thinking that I want to freelance projects instead of working in an organization. More than ever, I have been thinking on taking the risk. It happens that two people want to partner with me and start a consulting firm. I don't feel ready for start a firm but at the same time I feel stucked in my job. Maybe is time to move on and try.

About Ines, well she is still at home. Her ashes are here and I just can't see what is wrong with that. A couple of months ago, Isabel's therapist made this ugh face when I told her that Ines was at home. I felt that she meant that such an attachment is not healthy and it is not contributing to solve the situation. I dont' agree. I don't see why this is not healthy. I actually feel fine that her ashes are here in my walking closet. I see them every day and I feel that I didn't bring her alive to our home, but I still brought her someway and that she is with us in 'someway' too.
Maybe it is tricky what I feel, but I don't feel fine with the idea of taking her out.

Dear Ines: I love you honey, I hope you feel fine wherever you are. I missed you SO MUCH, no words can decsribe how much I love and miss all that we could have share. My life is still trying to go back to normal, but the sadness and emptyness just hit me again.