Yesterday I started to feel sad.
I was also feeling angry, very angry because she died.
I cried for maybe two hours until I felt better.
Today my body hearts as if the pain became physical.
It was a huge deal to go to work. I had no interest in my duties and I really did not want to see anyone or talk to people. Isabel is having her ballet presentation in two weeks, so after work I took her to her ballet class. I felt asleep in the waiting room. I think I am depressed, because I feel a tremendous lack of energy. I think is not a pathological depression, it is just part of my grieving.
The worst is that I am starting a new project on Wednesday, which is going to demand a huge amount of energy and focusing, and I just lack both for now. I have been thinking that I want to freelance projects instead of working in an organization. More than ever, I have been thinking on taking the risk. It happens that two people want to partner with me and start a consulting firm. I don't feel ready for start a firm but at the same time I feel stucked in my job. Maybe is time to move on and try.
About Ines, well she is still at home. Her ashes are here and I just can't see what is wrong with that. A couple of months ago, Isabel's therapist made this ugh face when I told her that Ines was at home. I felt that she meant that such an attachment is not healthy and it is not contributing to solve the situation. I dont' agree. I don't see why this is not healthy. I actually feel fine that her ashes are here in my walking closet. I see them every day and I feel that I didn't bring her alive to our home, but I still brought her someway and that she is with us in 'someway' too.
Maybe it is tricky what I feel, but I don't feel fine with the idea of taking her out.
Dear Ines: I love you honey, I hope you feel fine wherever you are. I missed you SO MUCH, no words can decsribe how much I love and miss all that we could have share. My life is still trying to go back to normal, but the sadness and emptyness just hit me again.
I think it's perfectly fine that you have Ines's ashes at home with you. I felt a great need to bring Kaelen home too and it was healing for me to have a part of him here with me everyday. No one else should decide what is best for you and your child. Hugz!
ResponderEliminarI guess depression is a part of grief. That weariness you talk about sounds very familiar to me too - it is such a big effort to complete things and to find any interest in work. Hang in there, dear one. I hope there will come a time when you can still think of Ines and the huge love you have for her, but the pain will ease. (I'm not there yet, but living in faith that we'll get there eventually)
ResponderEliminarAnd I agree with Lareina - it is such a personal decision what to do with child's ashes - she is your daughter, and you should be able to care for her memory in the way you see best.
xxxxh
I'm so sorry. I wish Ines was here with you.
ResponderEliminarWe brought Malou's ashes home too, but just for a short while, and then we buried them at the cemetery. But a part of me still wishes she was here where I could physically hold her urn.
Depression is definitely a part of grieving in my opinion. I also remember having absolutely no energy or interest in my work projects...it took all my energy not to cry during meetings. It has definitely gotten better, with time.
Thinking of you. xoxo