martes, 15 de febrero de 2011

Facing the last weeks

I really want to bring home this baby. B, Isabel and I are too excited about this baby. I can't wait. I am in the phase were everyday is passing very very slowly. It's been three weeks since I posted and I felt It was like two months.

I have also been experiencing excitement combined with anguish, which I don't enjoy. I am trying to swim every weekend, this past Saturday I was preparing our things to go out to our pool and suddenly I jumped to get a tote that was sitting in the top of my closet. It was a very light jump. Then I totally freaked out because I thought I could have damaged the placenta. I am not kidding, I went to the bathroom and I checked if I could see any blood or discharge. Then I ran to my heart beat detector that I couldn't find because I was so stressed that I couldn't recall where I left it. B was on the phone and then he hang. He came to me and asked me if we were ready for a great swim and I just felt so lonley, I was hating the fact that I am the person who can detect if anything goes wrong, I felt too responsable. I did not want to think more on it and we went swimming. The good thing is that after swiming I had my regular appointment with the OB. So the three of us went and the doctor checked me and the baby and he found everything fine. So I went home reassured. But on Sunday I start thinkg that maybe the placenta was damaged and the doctor didn't realize it. It is hard for me to trust in doctors since they miss things. Then I felt that Emilia was not moving as in the past days, so during all day I was checking her heart beat, eating sugary things to feel her move more often and I was just feeling anguished. I went to bed early to stop my negative thoughts.

Such thoughts are not a good combination with Isabel's excitement. You must see Isabel's excitement. She is just so so so excited about this baby. Sometimes I feel so stressed because if something happens to Emilia I would have to go and adopt a baby and bring that baby home. I don't think I could tell her again that she lost another sister. Even writing that scares me.

Today it was a much better day. I woke up and decided to put together the stroller we bought for Inés. I said to myself that I trusted that this baby is coming home with us so I am putting together the stroller again. I also recalled when I put it away last time and felt happy this time I am dealing with it is for great reason.

Today I just want her to be here and dtaring to count the days and hours....