martes, 28 de septiembre de 2010

11 weeks and many memories

I am 11 weeks pregnant. Nausea has been really tough. However B told me, "hey you don't have nausea these time, I am glad for you". In fact I have this terrible nausea but I just don't complain. I have been experiencing my all day sickness, but no one knows. Whenever, I feel very very sick I just think "worse things can happen".

I dunno why but I have been thinking a lot in some moments that marked my life forever. One moment when I heard the news that Inés died. What a shock. I still feel the shock. My daughter died. I had dream pregnancy. My daughter weight 8 pounds but she died. Howcome. The other moment I remember as painful as hell was when I woke up the next morning. Do not think I slept 8 hours, I slept two hours, from 4 to 6 am. When I woke up I just cried and scream. I ask B to bring her. I saw her, dead again, no change, no hope, she was dead forever. My pain was DEEP DEEP STRONG STRONG AND ACCUTE ACCUTE.

At that time we did not certainly knew what had happened to her. She stop moving, I went to the hospital, we found out her heart rate was not right, she was born in an emergency c-section, she struggle all the time after being born, she died one hour after. All tests were done to the placenta and cord to check if they failed at some point. But they did not. During day two the Dr. gave us another diagnostic, that she have died because of a heart failure due to a neural defect. Months after I found that 'his' diagnostic was not real, the Nactional Research Institute of Cardiology confirm to me that such diagnostic was not only not accurate, was faux. It is such an extra pain to find out that your doctor is just a moron. Then you feel very lonley.

lunes, 6 de septiembre de 2010

And here go again!

Hey! It seems that life is returning some of what we recently lost. Of course Inés is gone from this life but some of the dreams we made are back, like bringing a new family member to this world and hoping for a new life. So yes, we are pregnant again. We were not exactly looking forward to happen in this precise moment. But it just happened. And I am happy. I stopped the pill but we were counting the days so I guess it did not worked and I am pregnant for the third time in my life. Yes, I am very happy. I feel joy and I thank God and life because I did not go through the process of 'trying' which can be a little bit stressful for BLMs (and fathers).

I am somehow stressed, because I should have waited a little longer because of the C-Section. However I talked to my practitioner and he is not concerned, he told me that after 6 months it is pretty safe. I hope this time what is less possible "stays" as less possible. Last time the less possible became a fact. Can this time life play to my favor? Yes that is THE QUESTION OF MANY BLMs.

Eventhough I was so excited to see the pregnancy test result, it was not the same as before loosing Inés. I lost a daughter and I lost my inocence. Know I REALLY know that in life there are just two things that are certain: The first one is that life is uncertain and the second one is that one day we will eventually die. So I just know that sooner or later this new baby and me will say goodbye, because we will eventually die. I just hope this time we can get to meet each other and share a lot of time in this life (please). When I saw the result, I also felt some sadness because I knew that there is a very very long and complex process to go through before the day I can finally hold that baby alife at home. So many things can go wrong.

A million questions are raising inside my head. Because I am now very aware about everything that can go wrong. But I won't allow myself to get overstressed, because I also learned that we humans can't control everything. So in my country we say "Get loose and cooperate" when we are super challenged.

B is super happy, but let's see how we deal with this during the next months.

Inés I love you and I know you are very very happy that a new sibling is coming to join our family, your family. I know she is going to love you like us. We all love you with all our hearts. I send you many kisses.