Just hi

Before describing my life and my feelings after loosing my baby 22 months ago, I just wanted to share some pictures of us when Emilia (our rainbow baby) was 3 months old. today she is 7 months old.

And how do I feel today. I feel thankful. I feel stronger. I feel wiser. But I steel feel sadness, whenever I think on how much I loss I can't fight feeling sad. I know those feelings came to stay. And I also don't want them to leave me completely. In a way those feelings put me in contact with my dear Inés.

Also these days I have been thinking on how important my three girls have been for my personal development. Isabel brought a stronger Mariana out of me, Inés brought a more spiritual Mariana out of me and Emilia brought a more balanced Mariana out of me. Thank you girls making me a better person.

Muerte INESperada (Unexpected death)

For many months I just felt so lonley because I could not find another mother who had lost a newborn baby in an accident. Of course any kind of death is devastating, but at that time maybe couldn't see that. I suffered extra sorrow because I felt different to many moms that lost their babies due to natural causes.

The fact that your 39 week healthy baby dies because someone was irresponsable makes you feel so unlucky and so worthless. It actually tricks you because it makes you think it could have been different and that you coould have changed something. But it is not true, we actually can do a lot less than we often think and we want it or not that way the reality is that our lives and our loved ones' lives depend on millions of factors (and persons) that are our of our control.

How many times we have drived through streets with street lights, well many, plenty of times. Every time we have uneventfully crossed a street light it is because other's were careful to stop at the red light. But whenever this condition is not accomplished we mihgt get injured or even die. This is why some say that life is just an act of faith. If we think how many times our life is in the hands of others you can drive yourself crazy. So then you have faith that the other's will do their jobs well. In my case such equilibrium was broken. My daughter died because mainly two people were not careful enough. It has been tough to recover my faith, I won't lie, but I am holding on.

I picked the wrong practitioner damn it and such mistake will be in my head the rest of my life. My life is going to be so different of what I have always dreamed of. So in part, my grieving process has also been about learning to live and enjoy life fully without having the life I dreamed off. Now my life is about making new dreams. There are two options, one is to gently accept that my life is different now and the second one is to fight indefinately with that unchangeable reality. I definately choose the first one. And maybe while trying I find a different dream to fall in love again.

Many times in my grief I kept having thoughts like "Just if I had done this or that she would be here just toddling aroung". Then I get this very clear picture of her in our daily life scenes and I get this nice feeling that endures in my herat just for some seconds. However suddenly it ends and I realice that is just not possible in this life.


I remember I used to feel so worthless when thinking that everything I did was not enough to bring her home alife. It has been very tough.

But I am here, I have survived, with ups and downs but here, standing upfront, facing life after loss. Carying another baby in my belly, counting the days, wondering if this time the practitioners are going to do their jobs right. Hoping and holding on during the last ten weeks of pregnancy. The count is down and I feel the time is starting to go slow. Wondering what I might be missing.

One year after

Dear Inés

Its been a year since you left precious, and I feel how nobody and nothing will ever fill the enormous space you left. No words can describe what we been through since we said goodbye. Your dad, me and your sister Isabel had to walked the most painful road. We have experienced empty hearts, never ending tears, nonsleep nights and we also have to bury the most precious dreams humans can have. But some how we have survived. Maybe because we now know that nothing can ever change or erase the love we feel for you, not even your absence in this Earth. One year after riding such horrible road we got to a place were our love and your physical absence can coexist with sanity. Indeed we still have one hope left in the bottom of our hearts, that one day we are finally going to meet you, in Eternity, where our souls will finally hold together in a timeless manner. In the meanwhile we will be here embracing every single memory we have from you.

I have to mention you that we just received an invitation to share your story with people who belong to the World Network For Patient Safety, since it might contribute to build a protocol to improve mothers to be and newborn safety in healthcare services in our country. I hope your story will eventually save some lifes and I will keep looking after that.

Today we have some plans to conmemorate your existance and to show that our love to you is timeless, we in fact love you even more than the first day we aknowledge you were joining our family. We are putting your ashes in a crypt in a nearby church that is new and beautiful, amazingly beautiful. I will take some pictures to share it. It took me a whole year to process this moment, from accepting your death to choosing the crypt and writing you a thought. I wanted to do it myself and when you died I was not able to stand up or move since I had a C section, so Dad and I decided we wanted to wait to do it ourselves once we could breath peacefully again. We found the place and the moment.

Please be sure that we are more than grateful that your were here with us even if it was brief. Thank you for bringing love, thank you for bringing beauty, thank you for bringing hope, thank you for bringing knowledge and thank thank thank you for being here.

We love you FOREVER

Your mom & family

Christmas time is approaching

Inés

Christmas time is approaching soon. I have been fearing this time of the year, for many reasons. First because it is when families get together and our family can't be exactly complete without you. Second, because last year I was so happy and full of joy waiting for your arrival (see my picture with Inés in my belly just 5 weeks before she was born and died immediately after) thinking in the lifetime ahead we were suppose to share, however I never thought those were going to be the last days of you in this life. But as you know, I have worked all year long in accepting you were gone far sooner than I expected and wanted. That for better or worst I am learning to love you in the distance. However, my heart aches BECAUSE HOW MUCH I WISH YOU WERE HERE. This way of loving you in the distance is a totally new way of 'loving someone'. I bought Christmas boots for you and your siblings and today we were very glad to put yours and let know everyone that will come home during the season that you existed physically in this Earth and that your spirit lives forever in our memories and hearts. Loving you always pretty angel. I just wish so much you were here with us.

I am feeling the movements!!

Hey! I just started to feel rainbow baby moving all around!!! It is such a wonderful feeling. Before, somedays I woke up thinking if this baby was still there, alive and fine.I can now be updated by baby's moves. And yes, I am buying the heart rate machine to hear her heart rate starting in the third trimester which is still several weeks ahead. That will also help to ease my anguish, which hasn't been as bad, trust me.

I also wanted to share that we are not certain that rainbow baby is a boy, it might be a girl! What a roller coaster the gender detection has been in this pregnancy, but who cares. I actually laughed when the doctor told us that what the radiology center told me at 12 weeks ( that rainbow baby is a boy) might not be accurate. He told me to wait some weeks. I am so happy that everything so far looks so right that I actually don't care at all about the gender. We love this baby, it has been such a rainbow for all three, even for the extended family and friends, that the gender is just not even something worth to mention at all.

I don't now if I already shared with you that many friends and familiy have cried with us when I told them that we are again expecting. The tragedy and the grief have been in great part an opportunity to be loved and to feel people's support. We all thought our beautiful Inés was already with us and it was not, so many people shared our loss deeply and they are now sharing our hapiness. I have also received many many complements about my strength to keep going and to try again. I have received beautiful letters and thoughts about it, thanks to all of you.

I now have everything for her and everything for him, so no problema, we don't even need to know the gender. I am seriously thinking that we might wait until baby is born, because we don't need to buy more stuff and we don't actually need to know the gender.

I love rainbow baby and all of my three children.

Mariana.

Grieving again

I know I am going to grieve Ines forever. With different perspectives and intensities, but forever.

I am in Texas, with my sister. She is 39 weeks pregnant. I came to spend time with her since her husband is traveling and she has little boy. I did not want her to be alone this far in her pregnancy. Isabel and I arrived here a week ago and to be honest we have been spending a nice time.

These two weeks have been a good break from my routine, including my job. BTW, I quit my job at the end of September in order to start my own business, as I said in a past blog. I have just started as an independant consultant. And the best of it is that I already sold the first two projects. I am blowing. I have to say that I love my profession and it has been so rewarding during these tough times. The last day at the firm was on the 15th and my new projects will start on november 1st. So I took two weeks off.

I have been doing baby shopping, this is because baby shopping in the US is an advantage in terms of prices and product options -when I was pregnant with Inés I also came to the US to baby shop. And I also know that rainbow baby is supposed to be a BOY! During the last screening two doctors told it that it is a boy. Maybe a BLM would never start shopping by now, but in my case I wanted to take advantage of being in the US.

I have to admit that it hasn't been easy. My grieve increased during these days, in part it has been the baby shopping, I just pick things with fear that maybe I would never see them on. Exactly, one year ago I was baby shopping for Ines. So, now picking all new cloths remind me all my broken dreams about Ines. All her cloths were left, but more than the cloths alone, the dreamed moments of her wearing those cloths; like her baptism dress her big sister also weared, and the spring dress, and so many moments that I dreamed once, but now they will never be real, at least not in this life.

I have been in the stores and I head to the baby boys department, something totally new for me, like my whole new life after Inés. Then I walk and I pass by or leave behind the baby girls department. And that is how my life has been, it has been about leaving behind so many of the most precious dreams a mother can ever have while pregnant.

These past days I have been again processing the whole story. I always get to the point were I regreat so much changing my doctor at the end of Ines' pregnancy, at seven months. It was at the expense of Ines' life. I so much want to be back there and not ever change the practitioner, but I also know that I am not perfect and that unfortunatley I did what I thought it was right, I did my best Even though it was not enough. That is so hard to accept, we human beings do not like to think on our limitations, in those moments were all our will and effort were just not enough to get what we wanted so much. I wanted her to be here, I did my best and it was not enough.

However, in the good side of the experience, I am excited that this baby is a boy. It is going to bring such a fresh air. This on top I wanted to give Isabel so much a sister. Maybe some of the dreams are gone forever or maybe just posponed, who knows.

HERE COMES THE SUN!

My doctor was not calling to tell me about the results of the tests, so I called his office. They told me we have not received the results. I called the CT SCAN center and they told me that I must pick up them in their office before 8:30pm (if I still want to have them 'today'). "Results by email are sent before 2:00 p.m. and your results were not programmed to be ready before 4:00pm, that is why you and your doctor haven't recieved them by email". Ok. no special considerations for a BLM. In this country there are NO CONSIDERATIONS to such status. So after I hang the phone I had a business meeting and some work calls to do before being able to head to the clinic to pick up the results. At 7:45pm, I head out of my home office to pick up the results. I got there 8:30pm, not one minute after, not one minute before.

I told the lady I was there to pick up my results. She checked a bunch of sheets of papers with results and she told me, sorry lady I don't see your results. She searched again and found nothing. I asked why and she said I dunno it is strange, we never miss results. She told me to call the next morning (today) because nobody was there to help her, by then everybody has left so she was alone. Then I start thinking maybe the results are bad and they separated them from the rest or maybe they need to make the test again because maybe they saw something strange. My paranoia started to numb my body. I just beg and cross finger. I thought that it would be such bad luck to have a negative result, but nothing is granted. I actually know a BLM who after having a first baby stillbirth her second presented serious anomalies at 12 weeks pregnant.

Next morning I woke up and right after I called the CT Scann Center. I told them to llok for my results and they told me "Sorry lady we misplaced them but we found them and we can send them to your email". They told me to check my email in 30 minutes. I checked in about an hour. I saw no email. I called the center, again. They told, "Mrs. we are so sorry for such inconvinience we will send them right away". Finally two hours later I got them, finally someone thought about the anguish a BLM might be feeling while waiting for such results. When I saw the email I felt this bad sensation, a mix of anguish, with some butterflies in my stomach, fear and thinking that I will accept any result with some sanity.

I read the report, a one page report that started with a description of the placenta, the size of the baby, bla bla bla, until I read words like "normal movements", "complete body parts and members", "apparently normal development at gestational age", and no evidence of chromosomal disorder given the used technique (Nuchal translucency screening test) then my heart started to smile, I felt the tears just running out of my eyes. I felt JOY a very scarce feeling in our home during this year. I inmediately called B and told him the good news. When he came home after working he just hold me tight. Can see him shinning. We felt as if we have been living in this very long and cold winter, and the new pregnancy and the good results of the screening made us feel the Spring is finally arriving, as if the winter is getting to an end and the sun light is rising. I want to share this song with you all BLMs. Today I felt this in my heart:

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
It's all right

Wish me some luck!

Hey there!

Well I am 12 weeks pregnant, I can't believe how fast time goes by. Tomorrow I'll have done the tests to check for chromosomal disorders like down syndrome and trysomies. I am scared to death. I know I face the same risk regardless of what happened to Inés, she didn't have any chromosomal disorder, but I feel as if something can be wrong. I hate this pessimistic mood, however I can't fight it. The results will take 24 hrs, that would be like a year to me. I can't face a bad outcome and I know that it doesn't matter that I am still grieving Inés, life is life and this pregnancy is not exempted at all. I think I have lived so much disgrace recently that I don't deserve it, but who deserves it? Nobody deserves a death child or an ill child and still it happens. I am praying today, I am wishing with all my heart that this baby is just fine! Please wish me some luck.

11 weeks and many memories

I am 11 weeks pregnant. Nausea has been really tough. However B told me, "hey you don't have nausea these time, I am glad for you". In fact I have this terrible nausea but I just don't complain. I have been experiencing my all day sickness, but no one knows. Whenever, I feel very very sick I just think "worse things can happen".

I dunno why but I have been thinking a lot in some moments that marked my life forever. One moment when I heard the news that Inés died. What a shock. I still feel the shock. My daughter died. I had dream pregnancy. My daughter weight 8 pounds but she died. Howcome. The other moment I remember as painful as hell was when I woke up the next morning. Do not think I slept 8 hours, I slept two hours, from 4 to 6 am. When I woke up I just cried and scream. I ask B to bring her. I saw her, dead again, no change, no hope, she was dead forever. My pain was DEEP DEEP STRONG STRONG AND ACCUTE ACCUTE.

At that time we did not certainly knew what had happened to her. She stop moving, I went to the hospital, we found out her heart rate was not right, she was born in an emergency c-section, she struggle all the time after being born, she died one hour after. All tests were done to the placenta and cord to check if they failed at some point. But they did not. During day two the Dr. gave us another diagnostic, that she have died because of a heart failure due to a neural defect. Months after I found that 'his' diagnostic was not real, the Nactional Research Institute of Cardiology confirm to me that such diagnostic was not only not accurate, was faux. It is such an extra pain to find out that your doctor is just a moron. Then you feel very lonley.

Six monts after

It seems a long time, it also seems a short time. It depends on how I want to look at your leave. But six full months have passed by.

It might seem a long time. Because, I have never been so sad in my entire life. So many months have passed by without really enjoying my time. From this perspective it has been a long time.

However, if I think that the day we said good bye, it was not only my body trying to heal from a huge surgery, but also my heart and soul were broken. My whole life broke into pieces. Breathing was a huge task, not to say eating and sleeping. And what about getting out of the house because I couldn't stop crying. Now I can work and do many of the things I use to do before you passed the way. I started my life again from scratch. From that perspective, six months has been a short time, because in that period of time I learned to live again.

During this very tough journey, I have learned that I will always be your mother. Even though you were never with me the way I dreamed of, you will always remain with me in a different way. So, I will always feel this love for you. Thank you Ines for the days we shared here, I hope one day I can fully accept your loss. Kisses to wherever you are princess.

With love your mother.

Feeling better

I realize that I have been through the most challenging events after Inés died.
It is really unbelievable how drammatic her loss has been. And I can't believe how strong I have been too. After all, I still breath, eat, work, love and enjoy my life. Yes I do, eventhough a piece of me will always be missing.

I am person who loves living, I still do, and I am proud of it. However, I still cry, oh yes many times. I still feel angry, oh yes many times, I still feel frustrated, oh yes, many times. I still daydream with her beauty and all that could have been, oh yes, many many times.

I just started a new project that makes me feel happy. I'll work as a consultant for UNICEF, I'll estimate the federal expenses the government of Mexico devotes to infants, children and youth. In the bottom of my heart I dedicate this effort to my dear Inés. I love helping the advocates of this cause. Hopefully this helps to fill some gaps in terms of public policy and resources that can favour our kids.

Thank you Inés for inspiring my life and filling it with love. I am feeling better.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is aproaching. I want to send all my support to all those mothers that have lost a baby. Specially, to those mothers that like me are facing this festivity with a missing baby for the first time . Or those who also have living children and are feeling confused about what to do or feel during day. I hope we can make it through the day in a smooth way! Don't push yourself be gentle and do what feels good for you. I will try to remain positive and celebrate that I am alive to live such a day.

A different perspective

This past weekend we had a long weekend in Mexico. It was Benito Juarez' birthday. I went with my sister P and her in laws to Malinalco to spend the weekend. Malinalco is a little town with truly Mexican flavour located in the State of Mexico nearby Mexico City. In the upper part of the town there is a very nice Golf Club Weekend Resort Living. My sister and I love this place. The houses, the weather, the gardens, the families, everything is so beautiful. It is very inspiring place and a perfect landscape for kids.

Last year my sister and I rented a house in Malinalco during the summer. We used to go every weekend with our hubbys, my daughter Isabel (4), her son Mateo (2) and my belly with Ines. I spent every weekend of my second trimester in there. I think that the summer of 2009 was one of the best times in my life, it was a blast.

During that summer we all started so many dreams related to Ines. Dreams and hopes that were so broken on past January. Once we even thought about doing her baptism in there. During the summer everytime I was getting out of the pool I used to watch my belly in the glass door that is located just in front of the pool. In that way I was able to see how much it was growing. It was nice. I had a really nice belly. I still remember that our first weekends there I still had some morning sickness. But it used to help to wake up early and head out of the house and walk with the kids to the club house and drink a cup of tea or a cup of coffee and breath such fresh air and admire the view from the cafeteria. I loved those days full of hopes and love and joy. I was then full of joy. With the memories of those feelings I now know I need to re-do myself.

We can afford to have a weekend house yet, however back then I felt that with my two daughters I was complete enought to work hard and one day get to buy a house there. I never felt bad or anxious about not owning a house there. I always knew I had the important things like a great hubby, Isabel, Ines and the opportunity to enjoy life with my sister and her family. I was aware how much I had. Is not that after Ines died I now know how much I had. I had mind peace, joy and hope. Assets that are hard to keep.

This weekend we were back to Malinalco, to the same exact house. We were not back as we thought we were going to be back one day; with Ines in our arms. We were back as this sad grieving family: a grieving father, a grieving mother and a grieving sister. I also saw my tommy when I got out of the pool, but this time it was a flat & non growing tommy, and I have no baby. I enjoyed riding my bike my bike but I cried a little thinking how much I wanted to see her in there with us, enjoying the holidays and her family. I still can't accept that she lost her time on earth with us. And no religion can't change my view. And I do respect very very much all of you that feel relief with those believes. I have a huge and honest respect for any griever and of any belief she devotes to.

My sister is again renting the same house, but we are not. At the end of last year I told her that buying our new appartment also during the summer put pressure in our budget, so we cannot afford to rent the house during 2010. We bought the new appartment so we cold fit better with Ines. She asked her in laws to share the house with them. So now she is renting the house with her in laws. This weekend they invited us to spend time together.

There are two people working at the house, a cook and a garden man. They also saw me pregnant during the summer. This time both were still working at the house. They didn't say anything to me about the baby, but they knew what happened. You know when those eyes look at you saying 'poor lady' she is empty & broken heart. In fact, my sister told me that the cook, who also cleans the house, asked her if this weekend that I was coming we were going to use the little crib that is available in a storage room, because then she can clean it for baby Ines. My sister told her that Ines died soon after she was born, so unfortunately we don't need the crib. She said she was so sorry about our loss. I think she must have been shocked with the news, as any other that shared moments with us while I was pregnant.

My brother in law's brother also spent the weekend with us and he has two little ones about the same age that Isabel and Mateo. I was happy they went, Isabel had a blast with the kids. She enjoyed the pool, the tumbling, the garden, the bike, the sand playground, watching movies and playing around with the kids. Of course I grieved the fact that she lost her little sister, it just broke my heart. I still have to deal with that fact.

It was interesting to watch this guy and his wife expressing some complains about parenting two kids that are so close in age. They had the first one and eight months after they accidentaly got pregnant again with the second one. So the last 3-4 years have been very active for them. I felt how tired and stressed they feel. However they have no clue that they are subject to the nice and sweet stress while grieving parents are subject to the most bitter stress. She also made complains on how her body was destroyed as a result of pregnancy and that she is not willing to have any kids at all.

She told me that I look amazing, she said she was impressed that I had a baby just two months ago. I wore my bikinis, so I agree that I don't have the classic body of a new mother. However it is more a result of pain than anything else. She is 30 and planning to get a tommy tuck and maybe to get her uterus out. Why to risk getting pregnant again? I definately respect her perspective, but I feel is a little to soon for taking such a definitive action. You never now if in 5 years you could crave to have another one. Maybe because you just move on child bearing stress, maybe because you can afford having extra help, maybe because you remarried, you never know what can happen. But I guess that when your life has never been hit by tragedy or a radical change of plans you just don't think in a wide range of possibilities.

Even though during the weekend my hubby and I felt sometimes sad because of all the memories this place brings to us, we had a nice time. We enjoyed ourselves, our daughter, the place, the food and the people. We just saw everything with a different perspective.

Dealing with believes...

As many of you have noticed, people that just experienced a loss not only is entitled to deal with the dark emotions resulting from the 'loss' but also with the emotions peoples' comments can produce when trying to give support. I like to believe these comments are always well intended, however many times they are not effective and sometimes are hopeless and even harmful.

Grievers usually rely on their personal believes to work through their grief and move on to accept their loss. However personal believes can vary tremendously among people. While there is people who like to think that death matters are God's will, their is also people that supports the idea that God would never apart a baby from her parents or even that God doesn't exist. Given that humans have different views towards life and death is reasonable to hear now and then disturbing comments about your loss. Most of the people express to grievers their own views and fears towards life and death as if grievers were in search of a new code of believes, which is not necessarily the case.

It feels so hopeless when people tell me that a parent can never overcome the loss of a child, so they mean that the worst has happened to me. The first thing that comes to me after I hear such statement is that unfortunately they are WRONG. I can still lose more because I have more. That comment instead of making me feel like a hero makes me feel hopeless. I don't like pity. Please people don't say that because it is more cruel than empathic. People who have in fact lost their children do not agree with such statement. At least not the ones I have talked to.

Another comment I dislike is when they tell me that I am lucky to have a living child. “You are so lucky to have Isabel, she is beautiful and amazing” or “Thanks God this wasn't your first one”. Loosing a baby is ALWAYS a big deal. It doesn't matter if it was the first or the tenth one. Since every relation is unique and develops in a particular context, every loss has its specific complication. It is more naive than wise to conclude that loosing a first child is always worst. For example, if it is the first one you can fill that maybe you will never get to parent a child and for sure that feeling is tough and can produce a significant amount of anxiety. However, when you have a living child you have to deal with your child’s grieving since she lost a sibling. You also feel anxiety because maybe you will never be able to provide a living sibling to your living child. Or maybe you will have that sibling but maybe years later so they won't be close enough in age.

The other attitude I personally don’t like is the people who think that because you are a griever you are in search of a transformation of your life and they insist you to follow the steps or believes they practice, specially the religious type of persons. They always feel that you are far from God. I might be far from YOUR IDEA OF GOD. These people do not offer sincere love and support and sometimes they are disrespectful and even cruel. They add a stress factor to a very stressful situation. If they really want to help they should first LISTEN and then think in which way they could offer REAL help. Not every solution fits everyone. If you live in ‘fantasyland’ and you can’t understand the diversity factor, then keep yourself away from grievers. Helping grievers is more about listening than talking.

Every loss has its own particular impact, because is the result of a twist is a particular history. Every mind is a world itself. We never know the true feelings and specific expectations parents had to burry after the loss of their baby: People don’t assume grievers see life as you see it.

I loved my life before Ines died. I was one these lucky persons that never had a really bad experience. I really had the dream life. My life was pink, happy and full of joyful experiences. I was born in a family of six. I grew up with loving parents and siblings. I married a wonderful man. I have never had any trouble in getting pregnant, no miscarriages. I have a truly loving 4 year old daughter that has brought plenty of joyful moments to my life. I have a great job: I love what I do and I get paid for doing it. I live in a beautiful house. I have traveled and enjoyed friends. I enjoy a healthy life. The most important is that I truly enjoy being the person I am. I do not want to be someone new, transformed myself or changed my believes. Ines death doesn't say my believes were wrong. I want to rescue the way I use to enjoy life. That is it. I want to be as happy as before and I know that eventually it will happen, if I rely properly on personal effort.

I strongly believe that God provided us humans with immense powers, such as personal effort. Relying on personal effort is relying on God, because God gave us such capacity. When we loose someone we learn that in this life there are many things out of our control. But the state of our minds is one of the things we can control, if we rely on personal effort. Sadness and happiness are states of mind because they are a ‘product of our mind’ and they exist within our mind. Sadness and happiness do not have an inherent existence; they exist in our inner world. We produce them. In a way, we ‘decide’ how we feel with what happens to us. Many times we don’t choose what happens to us but we always choose how we feel with what happens to us. This means that the same experience can produce different states of minds in two people. Loosing the same child can be a dramatically different experience for each parent. It all depends on the state of our mind.

So people, I know in what to believe. Two months ago my daughter died and I am broken heart. But I am not empty because I do have in what to rely on. If you want to help, you can offer to listen, an arm to cry, a big hug, time to chat, in few words, just offer your company. I know who I am and what I need. If you see me different is because I am broken heart, that is it. But I do practice my own believes (not yours) to heal.