jueves, 18 de febrero de 2010

"Yes she died, she didn't make it..."

I never thought I was going to hear those words, not the day Ines was born. Indeed, not one hour after she was born. I can't forget the face of B (my hubby, the best hubby)when he looked at me and said with tears in his eyes: "Yes she died, she didn't make it". I was shocked.

The morning of Saturday January 2nd, 2010 I woke up felling fine, as many other days of the last trimester of my pregnancy. Is still hard to believe that everything was fine just somehours before I heard B pronouncing the most devastating statement I have so far heard in my entire life.That morning I realized that I was turning 39 weeks, I was SEVEN DAYS behind the DUE date. What a joy to feel again that 'labor' is about to start anytime. I felt so exited that I was finally going to meet her and to bring that bundle of love home. I never thouhght that excitement was going to turn into a breaking heart memory or a broken dream. I had a PERFECT healthy pregnancy how I was supposed to know that it will end in tragedy.

That same Saturday at eleven o’clock at night, I was lying on the bed from the recovery room at the hospital. I just had an emergency c-section. The last time I knew about my newborn baby was in the operation room when she was struggling to live and the doctors were giving her CPR.

Immediately after she was born she experienced breathing problems. The neonatologists ran out of the operation room to take her to the NICU. B went with them. When he exited the operation room, I could saw his tears running through his face, he was crying. I have seen him cry four times in ten years. So, when he cries it means that things are going really bad.

My baby was struggling to live and I was just there, so powerless, waiting for the OB to finish the operation. I just wanted to ran out of the room and do something for her. I was yelling and begging that they could save her. The anesthesiologist sedated me but I did not felt asleep. I had too much adrenaline running in my blood. At that point no drug could relax me.

After my OB finished he also ran out of the operation room. Then the nurses took me to the recovery room, and told me I was supposed to be there for at least an hour. I asked for my baby and they told me that they didn’t know, but they were sure that in the NICU everything would be done to save her and that I just had surgery so I had to stay calmed. I can’t stay calm; my baby is fighting for her life. How can I be calmed?

Waiting in the recovery room was more than a nightmare. It was much worse than any words in any language can describe. I felt a very acute anxiety; my heart was beating FAST, almost as if I was going to have a heart attack. The thoughts of her dying filled my body with fear. I was numbed. I was praying, I asked God to save her.

Time passed and B did not send any news about how Ines was doing while I was in the recovery room. Then is when I thought that she might have died or still in a serious condition. How B is going to leave me hear with no news. If things were better he would have send “someone” to tell me that she is doing fine. If he leaves me with no news is because she is still struggling or even death.

Then, another woman was taken to the recovery. She was also crying and she also had an emergency c-section. However she was luckier. Her doctor came to the recovery and told her that her baby was doing alright. I saw her smiling and relaxed. Then, I was sure my baby must have died. No one was telling me 'anything'. I thought they must be waiting that I get to my room to spread the news.

Two nurses came to me and checked my vitals. Everything was fine with me. Then they took me to my room. I was lying in the bed of my room at the hospital. The hospital was quiet and calmed. But, I was crying non-stop, feeling empty, desperate, and powerless.

I won’t forget when I saw the three of them entering the room: B, OB and my mom. Their faces said she had died, their expressions were of sorrow. No doubt, she died. When I looked at them, they couldn’t stare at me, they moved their sight downwards. I asked B if she had died and then he told me: “Yes, she died, she didn’t make it”. I yelled and yelled: No! No! Please don’t go baby. I woke up the entire hospital. B hugged me and we CRIED for LONG.

Ines' story was short, just 39 weeks and 1 hour. I never thought it was going to be that short. I was definately asking for more. I didn’t see her alive. I am so sorry Ines that we couldn’t see each other during your brief live. It breaks my heart each time I think that you never saw your mommy. We just heard each other and we never saw each other. You heard me for several months, I just heard you for some seconds. I can't keep writing, is too sad.


Hey people, I just want to warn you that I am not a native English speaker, though I learned the language since I was very young. I hope my writings turn out as interersting an easy to read as yours -I believe I can decently speak and write in this language- but you will be the final judge. I promise to do my best. I might write in Spanish, just when I feel that I really need to urgently express myself.

For now, I am so eager to share with you my thoughts and experiences that result from my grief after my baby Ines died on January 02, 2010.

I still can't believe I am part of the club. Don't take it personally, but I am so sorry that I became part of it.

Ines you are forever in my heart and thoughts.