domingo, 28 de noviembre de 2010

Christmas time is approaching



Inés

Christmas time is approaching soon. I have been fearing this time of the year, for many reasons. First because it is when families get together and our family can't be exactly complete without you. Second, because last year I was so happy and full of joy waiting for your arrival (see my picture with Inés in my belly just 5 weeks before she was born and died immediately after) thinking in the lifetime ahead we were suppose to share, however I never thought those were going to be the last days of you in this life. But as you know, I have worked all year long in accepting you were gone far sooner than I expected and wanted. That for better or worst I am learning to love you in the distance. However, my heart aches BECAUSE HOW MUCH I WISH YOU WERE HERE. This way of loving you in the distance is a totally new way of 'loving someone'. I bought Christmas boots for you and your siblings and today we were very glad to put yours and let know everyone that will come home during the season that you existed physically in this Earth and that your spirit lives forever in our memories and hearts. Loving you always pretty angel. I just wish so much you were here with us.

lunes, 15 de noviembre de 2010

I am feeling the movements!!

Hey! I just started to feel rainbow baby moving all around!!! It is such a wonderful feeling. Before, somedays I woke up thinking if this baby was still there, alive and fine.I can now be updated by baby's moves. And yes, I am buying the heart rate machine to hear her heart rate starting in the third trimester which is still several weeks ahead. That will also help to ease my anguish, which hasn't been as bad, trust me.

I also wanted to share that we are not certain that rainbow baby is a boy, it might be a girl! What a roller coaster the gender detection has been in this pregnancy, but who cares. I actually laughed when the doctor told us that what the radiology center told me at 12 weeks ( that rainbow baby is a boy) might not be accurate. He told me to wait some weeks. I am so happy that everything so far looks so right that I actually don't care at all about the gender. We love this baby, it has been such a rainbow for all three, even for the extended family and friends, that the gender is just not even something worth to mention at all.

I don't now if I already shared with you that many friends and familiy have cried with us when I told them that we are again expecting. The tragedy and the grief have been in great part an opportunity to be loved and to feel people's support. We all thought our beautiful Inés was already with us and it was not, so many people shared our loss deeply and they are now sharing our hapiness. I have also received many many complements about my strength to keep going and to try again. I have received beautiful letters and thoughts about it, thanks to all of you.

I now have everything for her and everything for him, so no problema, we don't even need to know the gender. I am seriously thinking that we might wait until baby is born, because we don't need to buy more stuff and we don't actually need to know the gender.

I love rainbow baby and all of my three children.

Mariana.