martes, 15 de febrero de 2011

Facing the last weeks

I really want to bring home this baby. B, Isabel and I are too excited about this baby. I can't wait. I am in the phase were everyday is passing very very slowly. It's been three weeks since I posted and I felt It was like two months.

I have also been experiencing excitement combined with anguish, which I don't enjoy. I am trying to swim every weekend, this past Saturday I was preparing our things to go out to our pool and suddenly I jumped to get a tote that was sitting in the top of my closet. It was a very light jump. Then I totally freaked out because I thought I could have damaged the placenta. I am not kidding, I went to the bathroom and I checked if I could see any blood or discharge. Then I ran to my heart beat detector that I couldn't find because I was so stressed that I couldn't recall where I left it. B was on the phone and then he hang. He came to me and asked me if we were ready for a great swim and I just felt so lonley, I was hating the fact that I am the person who can detect if anything goes wrong, I felt too responsable. I did not want to think more on it and we went swimming. The good thing is that after swiming I had my regular appointment with the OB. So the three of us went and the doctor checked me and the baby and he found everything fine. So I went home reassured. But on Sunday I start thinkg that maybe the placenta was damaged and the doctor didn't realize it. It is hard for me to trust in doctors since they miss things. Then I felt that Emilia was not moving as in the past days, so during all day I was checking her heart beat, eating sugary things to feel her move more often and I was just feeling anguished. I went to bed early to stop my negative thoughts.

Such thoughts are not a good combination with Isabel's excitement. You must see Isabel's excitement. She is just so so so excited about this baby. Sometimes I feel so stressed because if something happens to Emilia I would have to go and adopt a baby and bring that baby home. I don't think I could tell her again that she lost another sister. Even writing that scares me.

Today it was a much better day. I woke up and decided to put together the stroller we bought for Inés. I said to myself that I trusted that this baby is coming home with us so I am putting together the stroller again. I also recalled when I put it away last time and felt happy this time I am dealing with it is for great reason.

Today I just want her to be here and dtaring to count the days and hours....

3 comentarios:

  1. I know these feelings - of hope and anxiety, joy and fear! May feels like FOREVER away to me for our due date... and yet at some level I'm sure it will be here before I know it (I hope!). And I understand the "hypervigilence" we do... my baby seemed to be moving a little less over the weekend, but now she's back to her normal active self. I was starting to worry, but now she's dancing up a storm in there!

    Much love and peace to you.

  2. Sending love and hoping that you can enjoy some moments during these last weeks and get through the hard ones. xxxh

  3. Hey Mariana,

    Thanks so much for your support over at my blog. So glad you had a good break at the resort, and are feeling able to enjoy this moment. In a way I think that is our babies gift to us - to enable us to see exactly what we have now is precious, even if it is sad or uncertain. Take care xxxh