jueves, 23 de diciembre de 2010

Girl again one year after!

Ok. Rainbow baby is not a boy. Rainbow baby is a girl, we put her Emilia.

Howcome?? I got this news someweeks ago, and I am very happy. I know that Inés will never be here and that this baby is a complete different human being. But I also think that many dreams have come back, like giving Isabel a little sister. It is her dream to have a sister, and I am SO SO SO happy to have this chance again. I have deep afffection for my sisters, they are my best friends and they have been so supportive throughout my life that I will to provide Isabel with such a possibility. I know that in the end a strong relation between sisters depend on many other factors other than the gender, however I have been willing just for the chance of her to build such relation. I am so joyful riht now, even in this tough days when Inés first birthday is about to come.

B and I discussed about what to do on that day and we have being sharing similar ideas. First, Ines´ashes are at home and we now feel ready to put them in her crypt (yes it took us a year to take her there), and her first birthday is a good day for doing it, I feel prepared. It must have been great that instead we could be planning her first party but I have to accept that I am excited about her birthday, even if it will be just about remembering her. I really want to honor her during all January 2, 2011.

B and I feel we want to share this upcoming day just with Isabel and Emilia, just our family. However, some family members have asked us about what is going on that day, so we might do a special mass that sunday evening with some family and friends. I might appear like a freak but I am excited about preparing a special day for my beautiful baby Inés.

domingo, 19 de diciembre de 2010

Lifetime sentenced to pain

When I got the horrible news that Inés had died, I felt that I had just been subject to a lifetime sentence to pain. I felt so disgraceful, why me, why someone can be subject of such tragedy. I never wanted to become part of parents who have lost a child.

I see her pictures and I see how beuatiful she was. And I just can't fully accept I lost her. I lost the one thing people fear the most to loose, a child. I am part of such group of people. I sometimes I still feel shocked by such hard reality: I am a parent who has survived the loss of a child. I say it and still feel is a very strong statement. I can't believe it happened to me.

When I saw her the first time, she was already death, she in fact died one hour before I could see her for the first time. I remember I was shocked by her beauty. Really. I had never seen before a newborn with such beautiful full and long eyelashes, see the picture. Unfortunately, this picture was taken when she had been death for 12 hours, so her face shows already the rigor mortis of a death person. But she still looks beautiful and I bet she was going to be a beautiful girl and woman. She had this very perfect mouth. She looked like her sister Isabel, her body was really similar, her legs and toes were identical, but Ines was a bit bigger.

Oh Inés. It just hurts so much to think that I don't even know how much I am missing by not having you. If just something didn't follow the course of actions that in fact occured you might be here, with your family, just about to turn a year old. I will always wonder what if.