lunes, 19 de abril de 2010

The Climb By Miley Cyrus

Isabel is a fan of Miley Cyrus and Hanna Montana. She always sings with notable enthusiasm a song from this singer, the song is called "The Climb". Some days ago Isabel asked me to teach her the lyrics and when I realized what the song is about I just identified myself with it. I thought that it is a pretty nice song. I think Isabel and I are going through "the climb" in our lives. I enjoy singing with Isabel. She is such a special kid and I feel how our relation is growing stronger as I result of our loss.

We both grieve together the loss of my daughter and her sister. We both spent so much time together while I was pregnant with Ines, we built so many dreams together about her with us. Even though she is four she is grieving tremendously and I am so sorry her heart might carry such pain at an early age. Isabel I love you with all my heart and I hope I can stand by you in the way you deserve to overcome the loss of your baby sister.

We have been through a lot together...and I hope we can have a LIFETIME AHEAD TO REMEMBER HER.

I can almost see it
That dream I am dreaming
But there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it"

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

'Cause there's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!

Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa

jueves, 8 de abril de 2010

Oh God! please give me a break

A new addition to the extended family. My sister P is pregnant. You should have seen her face while breaking the news to me. I've never seen so much pitty in her face. She is been one month thinking on how to tell me. I hate what death has done to my life. This new pregnancy is going to build a 1000 secrets among us. I am starting to sense that. Why now that I need her so much?

She is my BEST FRIEND. We have been BEST FRIENDS for 31 years. I don't know what to feel. The baby topic raised in our family. Those sad faces are becoming glad faces. She is so happy, she is blowing. And I can't share her happiness. My life is so hard right now. I can't be happy even for the ones I love the most. I am starting to feel far from them because they feel joyful and I can't. The pain is setting me apart from my people: S.O.S

I use to spend a considerable amount of time with my sister, but watching her belly grow will be hard. Can you imagine how the baby topic will start to increase its share in family gatherings? How far are you? Is it boy or girl? How do you feel? And my grief and I just trying to remain cool. Oh God! please give me a break.

sábado, 3 de abril de 2010

Back to Durango with empty arms & broken hearts

We are just back from being one week away home. We went visiting B's home town, a northern city called Durango. The last time I was there was in December, 2008. In fact, it was in there when B and I decided to go ahead and try to get pregnant with a new baby during early 2009.

I didn't visit Durango during all 2009. I was pregnant from April to the end of the year and we had a pretty busy year in our jobs and while moving to a new apartment. However, my in laws spread the news that we were expecting a new baby on early January. B's relatives were anxious about meeting our new baby girl Ines. Two other cousins were also expecting new babies on early March. By the way those babies arrived safe to earth.

So we were in Durango this holly week and it was very sad to arrive with no baby, with empty arms and broken hearts. We stayed with my in laws. Many relatives went to visit us. They gave us special hugs and in way they looked to us I know how sorry they feel about our loss. But almost no one wanted to say a thing about Ines death.

I was somehow shocked that very few people actually said something about our loss. In the middle of some family gathering, just two poeple out of decens said to me something about our loss. I really appreciate those who hugged me and whispered in my ear "Hey I really feel sorry about your loss, I hope you can find the way out soon" or "My prayers are with you".

On Holy Thursday we celebrated my niece was turning two years old. The party took place in my in laws' place. Many relatives came in, including those two cousins with their brand new babies. It was a shock to see them. I saw them briefly and tried to evade the situation. I felt with the right to escape from the awkard situation. I am glad they are fine and alive but I don´t want to congratulate new parents, or to hug or smile at babies. I feel awkard. And I actually don't care if it was pretty obvious that I was trying to be far from those babies. I am still totally devastated. During the party I was actually thinking that the next day we were going to be three months away from saying good bye to Ines. I missed her so much at that party.

We were supposed to bring her to Durango, one of many milestones we are never going to reach. During the trip I felt empty and broken heart.

Ines I am so sorry we could not make to go to Durango where all your family would have loved to see you and hugged you. We felt so incomplete getting in there without you.

The morning oF Holy Friday I was devastated. I mentioned during breakfast time that three months ago you died. I saw tears running from your grandmother's eyes. We all thought about you. I could not stop the crying and I broke in tears. I said to everyone how much pain I still feel and how hard it has been. It was a touching moment but I felt no progress. I felt as if I had just received the news about your death. I felt like starting on day one again.

Ines I love you with all my heart and I can't believe its been three months since we said good bye. I still can't accept your absence and that you will never be here. I want you back princess, you belong with us. I think of you all the time. I love you always my dear.