jueves, 18 de febrero de 2010

"Yes she died, she didn't make it..."

I never thought I was going to hear those words, not the day Ines was born. Indeed, not one hour after she was born. I can't forget the face of B (my hubby, the best hubby)when he looked at me and said with tears in his eyes: "Yes she died, she didn't make it". I was shocked.

The morning of Saturday January 2nd, 2010 I woke up felling fine, as many other days of the last trimester of my pregnancy. Is still hard to believe that everything was fine just somehours before I heard B pronouncing the most devastating statement I have so far heard in my entire life.That morning I realized that I was turning 39 weeks, I was SEVEN DAYS behind the DUE date. What a joy to feel again that 'labor' is about to start anytime. I felt so exited that I was finally going to meet her and to bring that bundle of love home. I never thouhght that excitement was going to turn into a breaking heart memory or a broken dream. I had a PERFECT healthy pregnancy how I was supposed to know that it will end in tragedy.

That same Saturday at eleven o’clock at night, I was lying on the bed from the recovery room at the hospital. I just had an emergency c-section. The last time I knew about my newborn baby was in the operation room when she was struggling to live and the doctors were giving her CPR.

Immediately after she was born she experienced breathing problems. The neonatologists ran out of the operation room to take her to the NICU. B went with them. When he exited the operation room, I could saw his tears running through his face, he was crying. I have seen him cry four times in ten years. So, when he cries it means that things are going really bad.

My baby was struggling to live and I was just there, so powerless, waiting for the OB to finish the operation. I just wanted to ran out of the room and do something for her. I was yelling and begging that they could save her. The anesthesiologist sedated me but I did not felt asleep. I had too much adrenaline running in my blood. At that point no drug could relax me.

After my OB finished he also ran out of the operation room. Then the nurses took me to the recovery room, and told me I was supposed to be there for at least an hour. I asked for my baby and they told me that they didn’t know, but they were sure that in the NICU everything would be done to save her and that I just had surgery so I had to stay calmed. I can’t stay calm; my baby is fighting for her life. How can I be calmed?

Waiting in the recovery room was more than a nightmare. It was much worse than any words in any language can describe. I felt a very acute anxiety; my heart was beating FAST, almost as if I was going to have a heart attack. The thoughts of her dying filled my body with fear. I was numbed. I was praying, I asked God to save her.

Time passed and B did not send any news about how Ines was doing while I was in the recovery room. Then is when I thought that she might have died or still in a serious condition. How B is going to leave me hear with no news. If things were better he would have send “someone” to tell me that she is doing fine. If he leaves me with no news is because she is still struggling or even death.

Then, another woman was taken to the recovery. She was also crying and she also had an emergency c-section. However she was luckier. Her doctor came to the recovery and told her that her baby was doing alright. I saw her smiling and relaxed. Then, I was sure my baby must have died. No one was telling me 'anything'. I thought they must be waiting that I get to my room to spread the news.

Two nurses came to me and checked my vitals. Everything was fine with me. Then they took me to my room. I was lying in the bed of my room at the hospital. The hospital was quiet and calmed. But, I was crying non-stop, feeling empty, desperate, and powerless.

I won’t forget when I saw the three of them entering the room: B, OB and my mom. Their faces said she had died, their expressions were of sorrow. No doubt, she died. When I looked at them, they couldn’t stare at me, they moved their sight downwards. I asked B if she had died and then he told me: “Yes, she died, she didn’t make it”. I yelled and yelled: No! No! Please don’t go baby. I woke up the entire hospital. B hugged me and we CRIED for LONG.

Ines' story was short, just 39 weeks and 1 hour. I never thought it was going to be that short. I was definately asking for more. I didn’t see her alive. I am so sorry Ines that we couldn’t see each other during your brief live. It breaks my heart each time I think that you never saw your mommy. We just heard each other and we never saw each other. You heard me for several months, I just heard you for some seconds. I can't keep writing, is too sad.

4 comentarios:

  1. Oh, I am so very sorry. It breaks my heart to think of you waiting alone to find out how Ines was, and that you had to see the expression on your husband's face and hear the words that no parent should ever hear.

    But even if Ines never saw you, she knew you better than anyone. I bet you gave her so much love and she was surrounded in it for 39 weeks. And that one hour she was with her daddy.

    I know another mother whose baby died after only minutes...she woke up from her emergency c-section to find out her daughter had died. She struggled with that almost more than anything...wishing the doctors could have kept her daughter alive long enough for her to wake up and see her alive (and both sad and angry that they couldn't). I never got that chance since Malou died before she was born, but I can imagine that it makes it even more heart-breaking.

    Sending you hugs and love to Ines.

  2. PS That is a beautiful picture of Ines. What a sweetheart.

  3. I'm so so sorry to hear this. I can't imagine how hard this would be. I'd found out my daughter died several hours before I had to have a caesar - to be watching her taken away to NICU while you are being stitched up would be so difficult.

    I'm sorry you didn't get that time with her. Sending all our love and thoughts xxxh

    ps, I think you are right in your other post about beliefs - that surviving this kind of thing does depend a lot on your personal effort, on drawing on your strength, and knowing you can feel this great broken-heartedness fully and still survive.

  4. I remember the tears and the shock of first finding out. I am so sorry you never got to hold Ines while she was alive. :'-(