lunes, 15 de marzo de 2010

A different perspective

This past weekend we had a long weekend in Mexico. It was Benito Juarez' birthday. I went with my sister P and her in laws to Malinalco to spend the weekend. Malinalco is a little town with truly Mexican flavour located in the State of Mexico nearby Mexico City. In the upper part of the town there is a very nice Golf Club Weekend Resort Living. My sister and I love this place. The houses, the weather, the gardens, the families, everything is so beautiful. It is very inspiring place and a perfect landscape for kids.

Last year my sister and I rented a house in Malinalco during the summer. We used to go every weekend with our hubbys, my daughter Isabel (4), her son Mateo (2) and my belly with Ines. I spent every weekend of my second trimester in there. I think that the summer of 2009 was one of the best times in my life, it was a blast.

During that summer we all started so many dreams related to Ines. Dreams and hopes that were so broken on past January. Once we even thought about doing her baptism in there. During the summer everytime I was getting out of the pool I used to watch my belly in the glass door that is located just in front of the pool. In that way I was able to see how much it was growing. It was nice. I had a really nice belly. I still remember that our first weekends there I still had some morning sickness. But it used to help to wake up early and head out of the house and walk with the kids to the club house and drink a cup of tea or a cup of coffee and breath such fresh air and admire the view from the cafeteria. I loved those days full of hopes and love and joy. I was then full of joy. With the memories of those feelings I now know I need to re-do myself.

We can afford to have a weekend house yet, however back then I felt that with my two daughters I was complete enought to work hard and one day get to buy a house there. I never felt bad or anxious about not owning a house there. I always knew I had the important things like a great hubby, Isabel, Ines and the opportunity to enjoy life with my sister and her family. I was aware how much I had. Is not that after Ines died I now know how much I had. I had mind peace, joy and hope. Assets that are hard to keep.

This weekend we were back to Malinalco, to the same exact house. We were not back as we thought we were going to be back one day; with Ines in our arms. We were back as this sad grieving family: a grieving father, a grieving mother and a grieving sister. I also saw my tommy when I got out of the pool, but this time it was a flat & non growing tommy, and I have no baby. I enjoyed riding my bike my bike but I cried a little thinking how much I wanted to see her in there with us, enjoying the holidays and her family. I still can't accept that she lost her time on earth with us. And no religion can't change my view. And I do respect very very much all of you that feel relief with those believes. I have a huge and honest respect for any griever and of any belief she devotes to.

My sister is again renting the same house, but we are not. At the end of last year I told her that buying our new appartment also during the summer put pressure in our budget, so we cannot afford to rent the house during 2010. We bought the new appartment so we cold fit better with Ines. She asked her in laws to share the house with them. So now she is renting the house with her in laws. This weekend they invited us to spend time together.

There are two people working at the house, a cook and a garden man. They also saw me pregnant during the summer. This time both were still working at the house. They didn't say anything to me about the baby, but they knew what happened. You know when those eyes look at you saying 'poor lady' she is empty & broken heart. In fact, my sister told me that the cook, who also cleans the house, asked her if this weekend that I was coming we were going to use the little crib that is available in a storage room, because then she can clean it for baby Ines. My sister told her that Ines died soon after she was born, so unfortunately we don't need the crib. She said she was so sorry about our loss. I think she must have been shocked with the news, as any other that shared moments with us while I was pregnant.

My brother in law's brother also spent the weekend with us and he has two little ones about the same age that Isabel and Mateo. I was happy they went, Isabel had a blast with the kids. She enjoyed the pool, the tumbling, the garden, the bike, the sand playground, watching movies and playing around with the kids. Of course I grieved the fact that she lost her little sister, it just broke my heart. I still have to deal with that fact.

It was interesting to watch this guy and his wife expressing some complains about parenting two kids that are so close in age. They had the first one and eight months after they accidentaly got pregnant again with the second one. So the last 3-4 years have been very active for them. I felt how tired and stressed they feel. However they have no clue that they are subject to the nice and sweet stress while grieving parents are subject to the most bitter stress. She also made complains on how her body was destroyed as a result of pregnancy and that she is not willing to have any kids at all.

She told me that I look amazing, she said she was impressed that I had a baby just two months ago. I wore my bikinis, so I agree that I don't have the classic body of a new mother. However it is more a result of pain than anything else. She is 30 and planning to get a tommy tuck and maybe to get her uterus out. Why to risk getting pregnant again? I definately respect her perspective, but I feel is a little to soon for taking such a definitive action. You never now if in 5 years you could crave to have another one. Maybe because you just move on child bearing stress, maybe because you can afford having extra help, maybe because you remarried, you never know what can happen. But I guess that when your life has never been hit by tragedy or a radical change of plans you just don't think in a wide range of possibilities.

Even though during the weekend my hubby and I felt sometimes sad because of all the memories this place brings to us, we had a nice time. We enjoyed ourselves, our daughter, the place, the food and the people. We just saw everything with a different perspective.

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