sábado, 3 de abril de 2010

Back to Durango with empty arms & broken hearts

We are just back from being one week away home. We went visiting B's home town, a northern city called Durango. The last time I was there was in December, 2008. In fact, it was in there when B and I decided to go ahead and try to get pregnant with a new baby during early 2009.

I didn't visit Durango during all 2009. I was pregnant from April to the end of the year and we had a pretty busy year in our jobs and while moving to a new apartment. However, my in laws spread the news that we were expecting a new baby on early January. B's relatives were anxious about meeting our new baby girl Ines. Two other cousins were also expecting new babies on early March. By the way those babies arrived safe to earth.

So we were in Durango this holly week and it was very sad to arrive with no baby, with empty arms and broken hearts. We stayed with my in laws. Many relatives went to visit us. They gave us special hugs and in way they looked to us I know how sorry they feel about our loss. But almost no one wanted to say a thing about Ines death.

I was somehow shocked that very few people actually said something about our loss. In the middle of some family gathering, just two poeple out of decens said to me something about our loss. I really appreciate those who hugged me and whispered in my ear "Hey I really feel sorry about your loss, I hope you can find the way out soon" or "My prayers are with you".

On Holy Thursday we celebrated my niece was turning two years old. The party took place in my in laws' place. Many relatives came in, including those two cousins with their brand new babies. It was a shock to see them. I saw them briefly and tried to evade the situation. I felt with the right to escape from the awkard situation. I am glad they are fine and alive but I don´t want to congratulate new parents, or to hug or smile at babies. I feel awkard. And I actually don't care if it was pretty obvious that I was trying to be far from those babies. I am still totally devastated. During the party I was actually thinking that the next day we were going to be three months away from saying good bye to Ines. I missed her so much at that party.

We were supposed to bring her to Durango, one of many milestones we are never going to reach. During the trip I felt empty and broken heart.

Ines I am so sorry we could not make to go to Durango where all your family would have loved to see you and hugged you. We felt so incomplete getting in there without you.

The morning oF Holy Friday I was devastated. I mentioned during breakfast time that three months ago you died. I saw tears running from your grandmother's eyes. We all thought about you. I could not stop the crying and I broke in tears. I said to everyone how much pain I still feel and how hard it has been. It was a touching moment but I felt no progress. I felt as if I had just received the news about your death. I felt like starting on day one again.

Ines I love you with all my heart and I can't believe its been three months since we said good bye. I still can't accept your absence and that you will never be here. I want you back princess, you belong with us. I think of you all the time. I love you always my dear.

1 comentario:

  1. I am just so sorry. I know the ups and downs of this pain so well. It hurts so much and I wish your beloved Ines was with you too. Surviving situations like this - things you may have looked forward to, fully expecting Ines to be with you - is so difficult. But you are doing it. I think sharing your pain, not hiding it, is a good way to handle it, which you are doing. Hugs to you.