martes, 28 de septiembre de 2010

11 weeks and many memories

I am 11 weeks pregnant. Nausea has been really tough. However B told me, "hey you don't have nausea these time, I am glad for you". In fact I have this terrible nausea but I just don't complain. I have been experiencing my all day sickness, but no one knows. Whenever, I feel very very sick I just think "worse things can happen".

I dunno why but I have been thinking a lot in some moments that marked my life forever. One moment when I heard the news that Inés died. What a shock. I still feel the shock. My daughter died. I had dream pregnancy. My daughter weight 8 pounds but she died. Howcome. The other moment I remember as painful as hell was when I woke up the next morning. Do not think I slept 8 hours, I slept two hours, from 4 to 6 am. When I woke up I just cried and scream. I ask B to bring her. I saw her, dead again, no change, no hope, she was dead forever. My pain was DEEP DEEP STRONG STRONG AND ACCUTE ACCUTE.

At that time we did not certainly knew what had happened to her. She stop moving, I went to the hospital, we found out her heart rate was not right, she was born in an emergency c-section, she struggle all the time after being born, she died one hour after. All tests were done to the placenta and cord to check if they failed at some point. But they did not. During day two the Dr. gave us another diagnostic, that she have died because of a heart failure due to a neural defect. Months after I found that 'his' diagnostic was not real, the Nactional Research Institute of Cardiology confirm to me that such diagnostic was not only not accurate, was faux. It is such an extra pain to find out that your doctor is just a moron. Then you feel very lonley.

1 comentario:

  1. Oh, I'm so sorry your doctor is a moron. Have you found out anything else about why Ines died? I know how difficult it is to not know the reason, but only to know there was a reason. If that makes sense. It is scary to think it could happen again. Faith is a hard way to get through pregnancy. But you CAN do it.

    And be gentle with yourself...of course you don't want to complain about anything to do with being pregnant, but being pregnant - especially after loss - is hard, and it is ok to talk about it if you need to. It is also natural to think about Ines and your fear and sadness, even as you are carrying a new life, a new hope. It took me until I was about halfway through my pregnancy with Liam (and only after we found out he was a boy) before I really starting "connecting" with that pregnancy/him. Before that, I mainly thought of Malou, even though I knew logically I wasn't pregnant with her.

    Sending you lots of love and prayers to Isabel and Ines's new little sibling on his/her way.