miércoles, 19 de enero de 2011

Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans (John Lenon)

I haven't wrote about the contradiction that exsists between my pregnancy with Isabel and my pregnancy with Inés, and also between the stories of both.

I was pregnant with Isabel by accident. Yes, that is the whole true. We were not planning to have a baby. We were in fact planning to study our graduate studies in the U.S., so basically there was not a plan for a baby in such scenario. All our time and resources were supposed to be devoted to our studies and such plan implied moving out of our country for some years.

However in the meanwhile, I got pregnant. We were supposed to leave in Summer 2004 but B did get accpeted in his program so we stayed one more year with the hope he will be accepted the upcoming year. So in Fall 2004 he applied again for starting his program in 2005. I was just waiting for B to be accepted inhis programme since I was already accepted in mine. My school saved my place in the programme I appplied for one year. I had to start the program in August 2005 in order to keep my place an dthe scholarship thta was awarded to me.

So, as you already know, life is what happens while you are busy making other plans. While waiting I got pregnant in early December 2004, just nine months before I was supposed to start my graduate programme. In fact, Grad school was programmed to start on Monday August 29, 2005. I will never forget that day. And my due date was Wednesday August 24, 2005. When I realized that, I was shocked. I was pregnant and back then I saw how my dream about studying grad school clearly was shaking. How could I be giving birth the week before starting grad school. No way. Reality bited me. But I felt excited about being a mom.

There was a voice inside me telling me hey! It is not the end of the world, it is just a baby, a lovely baby. Don´t quit grad school plans, take your baby with you. So, that voice won and that is what I did. I call my school and talked to the satff openly about my situation. The programme director was such a cool person, she told me: don't worry honey we can offer you to start your first semester during summer school, then you can leave a semester again while the baby grow and then you can come back. However, she was clear about the fact that I had to start school before the end of August, 2005 since they were saving my place since 2004 and they can't svae places for more that one year.

When I was 24 weeks pregnant I moved to the U.S. and started grad school. The amazing thing was that I went by myself. B was finally accepted but his programme was supposed to start until August, 2005. He couldn't quit his job in order to leave with in May. We couldn't afford to have him without working, we needed to save more money to pay grad school, living expenses while studying and a brand new baby!

I was healthy, strong and yes, very crazy. I had no idea about all the things that could go wrong. It never crossed my mind that my baby could die. Let me tell you that I was very happy about her coming to this world, even though it took me by surprised. I wanted a girl and I was excited she was supposed to be girl. I was so busy with grad school that I had no time for thinking on negative scenarios.

So B finally arrived on August 1, 2005, then I finshed school on August 7, 2005. We moved to a different apartment and by mid August we thought oh! we are having a baby. So we went to the stores and start buying things for Isabel, her crib, stroller, clothing. We prepared the nursery and we waited few more days until August 27, 2005. She was born 3 days after my due date at 8 o'clock, by natural birth. With a doctor we met few times before. We picked the doctor based on no references since we knew nobody in Pittsburgh. But everything was perfect. Without wishing, without worrying, without any stress, Isabel was born beautiful and healthy that evening of August 27, 2005. So alert, so healthy. After two days at the hospital, I went home with my brand new baby. To start my new life as a mom. Piece of cake. That is what I thought. Babys are piece of cake. I never even tried to get pregnant. I never even thought something can go wrong. The most uneventful and easygoing pregnancya I will ever have. And there I was trying to nurse her and dealing with sleepless nights and all the changes a new baby implies. But that is it. I leaved school for a whole year, during that time I was full time mom. I went back to school when Isabel was a year old. We were just so in love with her. When she was two we came back to Mexico. What a great time back then, we were done with grad school, we had an amazing toddler and we were back home. But my feeling was that babies suddenly come, and they come against all odds. So I was freaked out about getting pregnant again by accident. That was my fear (come on!).

When Isabel was 3 years old we decided to have another baby, but first we wanted to buy a bigger apartment to fit better, so we saved money and waited some months to try for the baby. Then when Isabel was 3.5 years we again thought about trying and decided to buy the best health insurance plan, so again we waited a coupple of months more. Then we planned a trip to get pregnant there, we went to Puerto Vallarta and we got pregnant soon after. Everything was so well planned.

We registred ourselves in a birth club and we took birth lesson's from week 20 to week 37. Oh! the name. We already had the name before getting pregnant. We wanted to call her Inés since then. There was not even another option. Her nursery was set many months in advanced. I actually made a baby shopping trip, since I love shopping for babies in the US, something I learned while living there. We moved to our brand new appartment and we planned how our life was going to be in there with our new baby. We picked the most well refered Dr. somebody who I regreat ever hearing about.I stopped working month and a half in advance to rest and and wait for her arrival. So many many plans. But the most planned baby died one hour after she was born. And I was devastated and all my plans and dreams were suddenly lost.

When I was not exactly willing a baby I got a baby, when I was eagerly wishing a baby I got no baby. That has been my motherhood. However it is important to mention that it was easy to accomodate my life when Isabel was born and we felt in love inmediately after. The unexpected ( in Spanish unexpected is traduced to the word 'inesperada', see how Ines is in the beginnig of that word, strange) death of Ines is the experience we cannot easily accomodate in ourlives.

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