martes, 11 de enero de 2011

Muerte INESperada (Unexpected death)

For many months I just felt so lonley because I could not find another mother who had lost a newborn baby in an accident. Of course any kind of death is devastating, but at that time maybe couldn't see that. I suffered extra sorrow because I felt different to many moms that lost their babies due to natural causes.

The fact that your 39 week healthy baby dies because someone was irresponsable makes you feel so unlucky and so worthless. It actually tricks you because it makes you think it could have been different and that you coould have changed something. But it is not true, we actually can do a lot less than we often think and we want it or not that way the reality is that our lives and our loved ones' lives depend on millions of factors (and persons) that are our of our control.

How many times we have drived through streets with street lights, well many, plenty of times. Every time we have uneventfully crossed a street light it is because other's were careful to stop at the red light. But whenever this condition is not accomplished we mihgt get injured or even die. This is why some say that life is just an act of faith. If we think how many times our life is in the hands of others you can drive yourself crazy. So then you have faith that the other's will do their jobs well. In my case such equilibrium was broken. My daughter died because mainly two people were not careful enough. It has been tough to recover my faith, I won't lie, but I am holding on.

I picked the wrong practitioner damn it and such mistake will be in my head the rest of my life. My life is going to be so different of what I have always dreamed of. So in part, my grieving process has also been about learning to live and enjoy life fully without having the life I dreamed off. Now my life is about making new dreams. There are two options, one is to gently accept that my life is different now and the second one is to fight indefinately with that unchangeable reality. I definately choose the first one. And maybe while trying I find a different dream to fall in love again.

Many times in my grief I kept having thoughts like "Just if I had done this or that she would be here just toddling aroung". Then I get this very clear picture of her in our daily life scenes and I get this nice feeling that endures in my herat just for some seconds. However suddenly it ends and I realice that is just not possible in this life.

I remember I used to feel so worthless when thinking that everything I did was not enough to bring her home alife. It has been very tough.

But I am here, I have survived, with ups and downs but here, standing upfront, facing life after loss. Carying another baby in my belly, counting the days, wondering if this time the practitioners are going to do their jobs right. Hoping and holding on during the last ten weeks of pregnancy. The count is down and I feel the time is starting to go slow. Wondering what I might be missing.

2 comentarios:

  1. Oh Mariana, all this describes so much of what I've felt too. It feels so hard to accept that things can feel so normal but so uncertain at the same time - if you think too hard about it, your head would explode! (Well, maybe that's an exaggeration - but that's what it feels like). And there is that horrible knowledge that if only one person had been more careful, our gorgeous girls would still be here.

    But please be gentle on yourself - as you say, our lives depend on so many factors, and it is not your fault that one of those failed your darling girl.

    I'm glad you liked the photos - thank you for saying so. xxh

  2. My comment didn't post for some reason. I won't repeat everything but just know I'm thinking of you.
    And I was glad to "find" Hanen above (I lost her blog link before so it was a nice coincidence to see her here on your blog).
    Love to you both.