36 weeks and 6 days

Ok. Today I am feeling better. The nasty 'intruders' are still there but they have shorten and release me from that terrible pain. I can't stand up for long, so I remain sitted most of the time, but I am not in pain and I am thankful for that. Emilia is fine, she is moving very actively so she reassures me often.

The past week was very challenging, not only because the pain, and that I was only capable to spend my days in 2 positions; laying in bed in the right or left side. That is it. The most challenging was these hemorrhoids brought all the most sad memories and thoughts about Inés' death. Fucking swollen hemorrhoids were not the direct cause (off course)of her dying, but they were in fact the triggering event of Inés' death. I know such statememnt is beyond comprehension, but is true. Now, such stupidity causes me the worst of frustrations, angers and sad moments.

As expected, these past days I went through the most terrifying déjà vu. All memories just jumped into ourlives because while I was getting better last time, then Inés stop moving, then she died. So many of us were wondering what was going to happen this time, even though we clearly know that what happen to Inés can't repeat this time. At least not in the exact same way.

People such as friends, neighbors and extended family realized that something wrong was going on these past days since we didn't show up to a couple of important events and people perceived our routine was changed. My car didn't move for more than 10 days and people realize such changes. They became stressed because when I was pregnnat with Inés we behaved the same and then Inés died. I received some calls with questions on how I am doing, why I didn't show up, how is the baby doing or just to checked if everything is ok. I sure appreciate their concerns, because I know they want the best for us. I do understand their stress, but the calls somehow bothered me since they just add up to our own already magnified stress. Even Isabel, she was continously watching and asking me 'mom why are you in bed?','Is Emilia ok or she is dying? (My God 5 year olds are so clear and direct)One day she came back from school and I was taking a nap in my bed, she suddenly pull off my blankets and told me "I want to see your belly, Is Emilia still their"

One day, I just cried long because I thought that I have been through a lot these past two years. My soul is exhausted and my body feels worn out. I was thinking that I have been pregnant during 18 months in the past 2 years. I know many BLMs want to be soon pregnant, including myself, and I was very lucky to make it possible, but trust me that such thing also has its own challenges, emotionally and physically.

Above all, today is a great day. I am happy and joyful, just 2 days from carrying a full term baby. Such milestone gives me some peace of mine. The pain is gone and I am preparing from home the last things for her arrival. Yesterday I ordered a beautiful basket with retreats for our visitors at the hospital. It was expensive (ouch) but I wanted to pampered ourselves. I just washed her cloths, they are ready to be packed. I can't believe it, I am packing!!! Next Tuesday (Week 37 with 3 days) I 'll see the doctor, he will check how much she weights and then we will decide the date for the C Section but it is almost certain that she will be born between next Thursady and Sunday. Please keep your fingers cross for these last days.

I see her things and I just can't believe is a matter of days...I am so happy and thankful. I can't wait to bring her home :)