Believe it or not

I can't believe how absent I have been. I left "my" blogg for so long. Of course, Ines you know that you are with me everyday. You go with me everyday, everywhere. This is how often I get thoughts about you. Every day. Four years have passed since we said goodbye. I would love to picture your face at 4 years. I wonder how were you supposed to look at four. Four years old is such a great age. You could be swimming already and taking ballet classes. Maybe telling some great and funny stories. Oh If I could only hold you for a while, if I could see some of your smile. Two days ago, I came back from work and Lucy my niece who is 4 years old was visiting us. Suddenly, I entered home and I smelled popcorn. There were the three of them Isabel, Lucy and Emilia watching a movie. They were so into the movie, and eating their popcorn, they didn't even notice me. I stared at them and saw this perfect picture that never came true for me. This is the way it could have look my life if Ines would have not die, I could have an 8 year old, a four year old and a three year old hanging together. My heart smiles for seconds, just from thinking how great it would have been. Then I just feel some sadness, I feel the emptiness of my enormous lost. Then I a feel how strong I am. I survived the death of my daughter. Wow. I am one of these persons that have actually hold in her arms the death body of her death baby, this or more tragic ca life get. But I am here, so happy, so in love with life and thankful of everything I am now, and of everything I have been through. Believe it or not.