Grieving again

I know I am going to grieve Ines forever. With different perspectives and intensities, but forever.

I am in Texas, with my sister. She is 39 weeks pregnant. I came to spend time with her since her husband is traveling and she has little boy. I did not want her to be alone this far in her pregnancy. Isabel and I arrived here a week ago and to be honest we have been spending a nice time.

These two weeks have been a good break from my routine, including my job. BTW, I quit my job at the end of September in order to start my own business, as I said in a past blog. I have just started as an independant consultant. And the best of it is that I already sold the first two projects. I am blowing. I have to say that I love my profession and it has been so rewarding during these tough times. The last day at the firm was on the 15th and my new projects will start on november 1st. So I took two weeks off.

I have been doing baby shopping, this is because baby shopping in the US is an advantage in terms of prices and product options -when I was pregnant with Inés I also came to the US to baby shop. And I also know that rainbow baby is supposed to be a BOY! During the last screening two doctors told it that it is a boy. Maybe a BLM would never start shopping by now, but in my case I wanted to take advantage of being in the US.

I have to admit that it hasn't been easy. My grieve increased during these days, in part it has been the baby shopping, I just pick things with fear that maybe I would never see them on. Exactly, one year ago I was baby shopping for Ines. So, now picking all new cloths remind me all my broken dreams about Ines. All her cloths were left, but more than the cloths alone, the dreamed moments of her wearing those cloths; like her baptism dress her big sister also weared, and the spring dress, and so many moments that I dreamed once, but now they will never be real, at least not in this life.

I have been in the stores and I head to the baby boys department, something totally new for me, like my whole new life after Inés. Then I walk and I pass by or leave behind the baby girls department. And that is how my life has been, it has been about leaving behind so many of the most precious dreams a mother can ever have while pregnant.

These past days I have been again processing the whole story. I always get to the point were I regreat so much changing my doctor at the end of Ines' pregnancy, at seven months. It was at the expense of Ines' life. I so much want to be back there and not ever change the practitioner, but I also know that I am not perfect and that unfortunatley I did what I thought it was right, I did my best Even though it was not enough. That is so hard to accept, we human beings do not like to think on our limitations, in those moments were all our will and effort were just not enough to get what we wanted so much. I wanted her to be here, I did my best and it was not enough.

However, in the good side of the experience, I am excited that this baby is a boy. It is going to bring such a fresh air. This on top I wanted to give Isabel so much a sister. Maybe some of the dreams are gone forever or maybe just posponed, who knows.

HERE COMES THE SUN!

My doctor was not calling to tell me about the results of the tests, so I called his office. They told me we have not received the results. I called the CT SCAN center and they told me that I must pick up them in their office before 8:30pm (if I still want to have them 'today'). "Results by email are sent before 2:00 p.m. and your results were not programmed to be ready before 4:00pm, that is why you and your doctor haven't recieved them by email". Ok. no special considerations for a BLM. In this country there are NO CONSIDERATIONS to such status. So after I hang the phone I had a business meeting and some work calls to do before being able to head to the clinic to pick up the results. At 7:45pm, I head out of my home office to pick up the results. I got there 8:30pm, not one minute after, not one minute before.

I told the lady I was there to pick up my results. She checked a bunch of sheets of papers with results and she told me, sorry lady I don't see your results. She searched again and found nothing. I asked why and she said I dunno it is strange, we never miss results. She told me to call the next morning (today) because nobody was there to help her, by then everybody has left so she was alone. Then I start thinking maybe the results are bad and they separated them from the rest or maybe they need to make the test again because maybe they saw something strange. My paranoia started to numb my body. I just beg and cross finger. I thought that it would be such bad luck to have a negative result, but nothing is granted. I actually know a BLM who after having a first baby stillbirth her second presented serious anomalies at 12 weeks pregnant.

Next morning I woke up and right after I called the CT Scann Center. I told them to llok for my results and they told me "Sorry lady we misplaced them but we found them and we can send them to your email". They told me to check my email in 30 minutes. I checked in about an hour. I saw no email. I called the center, again. They told, "Mrs. we are so sorry for such inconvinience we will send them right away". Finally two hours later I got them, finally someone thought about the anguish a BLM might be feeling while waiting for such results. When I saw the email I felt this bad sensation, a mix of anguish, with some butterflies in my stomach, fear and thinking that I will accept any result with some sanity.

I read the report, a one page report that started with a description of the placenta, the size of the baby, bla bla bla, until I read words like "normal movements", "complete body parts and members", "apparently normal development at gestational age", and no evidence of chromosomal disorder given the used technique (Nuchal translucency screening test) then my heart started to smile, I felt the tears just running out of my eyes. I felt JOY a very scarce feeling in our home during this year. I inmediately called B and told him the good news. When he came home after working he just hold me tight. Can see him shinning. We felt as if we have been living in this very long and cold winter, and the new pregnancy and the good results of the screening made us feel the Spring is finally arriving, as if the winter is getting to an end and the sun light is rising. I want to share this song with you all BLMs. Today I felt this in my heart:

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
It's all right

Wish me some luck!

Hey there!

Well I am 12 weeks pregnant, I can't believe how fast time goes by. Tomorrow I'll have done the tests to check for chromosomal disorders like down syndrome and trysomies. I am scared to death. I know I face the same risk regardless of what happened to Inés, she didn't have any chromosomal disorder, but I feel as if something can be wrong. I hate this pessimistic mood, however I can't fight it. The results will take 24 hrs, that would be like a year to me. I can't face a bad outcome and I know that it doesn't matter that I am still grieving Inés, life is life and this pregnancy is not exempted at all. I think I have lived so much disgrace recently that I don't deserve it, but who deserves it? Nobody deserves a death child or an ill child and still it happens. I am praying today, I am wishing with all my heart that this baby is just fine! Please wish me some luck.