jueves, 7 de octubre de 2010

HERE COMES THE SUN!

My doctor was not calling to tell me about the results of the tests, so I called his office. They told me we have not received the results. I called the CT SCAN center and they told me that I must pick up them in their office before 8:30pm (if I still want to have them 'today'). "Results by email are sent before 2:00 p.m. and your results were not programmed to be ready before 4:00pm, that is why you and your doctor haven't recieved them by email". Ok. no special considerations for a BLM. In this country there are NO CONSIDERATIONS to such status. So after I hang the phone I had a business meeting and some work calls to do before being able to head to the clinic to pick up the results. At 7:45pm, I head out of my home office to pick up the results. I got there 8:30pm, not one minute after, not one minute before.

I told the lady I was there to pick up my results. She checked a bunch of sheets of papers with results and she told me, sorry lady I don't see your results. She searched again and found nothing. I asked why and she said I dunno it is strange, we never miss results. She told me to call the next morning (today) because nobody was there to help her, by then everybody has left so she was alone. Then I start thinking maybe the results are bad and they separated them from the rest or maybe they need to make the test again because maybe they saw something strange. My paranoia started to numb my body. I just beg and cross finger. I thought that it would be such bad luck to have a negative result, but nothing is granted. I actually know a BLM who after having a first baby stillbirth her second presented serious anomalies at 12 weeks pregnant.

Next morning I woke up and right after I called the CT Scann Center. I told them to llok for my results and they told me "Sorry lady we misplaced them but we found them and we can send them to your email". They told me to check my email in 30 minutes. I checked in about an hour. I saw no email. I called the center, again. They told, "Mrs. we are so sorry for such inconvinience we will send them right away". Finally two hours later I got them, finally someone thought about the anguish a BLM might be feeling while waiting for such results. When I saw the email I felt this bad sensation, a mix of anguish, with some butterflies in my stomach, fear and thinking that I will accept any result with some sanity.

I read the report, a one page report that started with a description of the placenta, the size of the baby, bla bla bla, until I read words like "normal movements", "complete body parts and members", "apparently normal development at gestational age", and no evidence of chromosomal disorder given the used technique (Nuchal translucency screening test) then my heart started to smile, I felt the tears just running out of my eyes. I felt JOY a very scarce feeling in our home during this year. I inmediately called B and told him the good news. When he came home after working he just hold me tight. Can see him shinning. We felt as if we have been living in this very long and cold winter, and the new pregnancy and the good results of the screening made us feel the Spring is finally arriving, as if the winter is getting to an end and the sun light is rising. I want to share this song with you all BLMs. Today I felt this in my heart:

Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right

Little darling, it's been a long cold lonely winter
Little darling, it feels like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Little darling, the smiles returning to the faces
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been here
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun
and I say it's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...
Sun, sun, sun, here it comes...

Little darling, I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling, it seems like years since it's been clear
Here comes the sun, here comes the sun,
and I say it's all right
It's all right

2 comentarios:

  1. I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your beautiful little Ines. There's never any comparison for loss; it all hurts so much...but I do think there's some very tragic dimension when you are at the end of the very normal and healthy pregnancy and shockingly still don't bring the baby home. It's just shock like no one can imagine.

    Praying for this pregnancy for you to be 'normal' as it can be and that you are able to enjoy the sweetness each little life brings--even if tinged with that bittersweet wistfulness of wanting ALL your children with you.

    I read through your blog--I was a bit worried about getting pregnant before 6 months after delivery of Matthew but my doctors also assured me it should be fine. It is...but I will say that there's definitely much more pain and weaker muscles, especially around the scar lines--my doctors all sympathize with me and just tell me that the baby is fine (he is) but that even though it was ok to get pregnant, it wasn't necessarily optimal since our bodies are postpartum for a year after delivery and still healing. So, essentially, we are still healing and growing a human at the same time and that presents different issues---mostly just a need for us to take it easy a bit more and to listen to our bodies when they are telling us to do so.

    Lots of prayers for you!

    ResponderEliminar
  2. Hi Mariana,

    Thank you so much for taking the time to read Ethan's story! You are also the first BLM I know whose baby died from med malpractice. It's a very hard group to be a part of. So glad you are expecting your rainbow baby! I look forward to hearingabout all the milestones. Hugs!

    ResponderEliminar