Grieving again

I know I am going to grieve Ines forever. With different perspectives and intensities, but forever.

I am in Texas, with my sister. She is 39 weeks pregnant. I came to spend time with her since her husband is traveling and she has little boy. I did not want her to be alone this far in her pregnancy. Isabel and I arrived here a week ago and to be honest we have been spending a nice time.

These two weeks have been a good break from my routine, including my job. BTW, I quit my job at the end of September in order to start my own business, as I said in a past blog. I have just started as an independant consultant. And the best of it is that I already sold the first two projects. I am blowing. I have to say that I love my profession and it has been so rewarding during these tough times. The last day at the firm was on the 15th and my new projects will start on november 1st. So I took two weeks off.

I have been doing baby shopping, this is because baby shopping in the US is an advantage in terms of prices and product options -when I was pregnant with Inés I also came to the US to baby shop. And I also know that rainbow baby is supposed to be a BOY! During the last screening two doctors told it that it is a boy. Maybe a BLM would never start shopping by now, but in my case I wanted to take advantage of being in the US.

I have to admit that it hasn't been easy. My grieve increased during these days, in part it has been the baby shopping, I just pick things with fear that maybe I would never see them on. Exactly, one year ago I was baby shopping for Ines. So, now picking all new cloths remind me all my broken dreams about Ines. All her cloths were left, but more than the cloths alone, the dreamed moments of her wearing those cloths; like her baptism dress her big sister also weared, and the spring dress, and so many moments that I dreamed once, but now they will never be real, at least not in this life.

I have been in the stores and I head to the baby boys department, something totally new for me, like my whole new life after Inés. Then I walk and I pass by or leave behind the baby girls department. And that is how my life has been, it has been about leaving behind so many of the most precious dreams a mother can ever have while pregnant.

These past days I have been again processing the whole story. I always get to the point were I regreat so much changing my doctor at the end of Ines' pregnancy, at seven months. It was at the expense of Ines' life. I so much want to be back there and not ever change the practitioner, but I also know that I am not perfect and that unfortunatley I did what I thought it was right, I did my best Even though it was not enough. That is so hard to accept, we human beings do not like to think on our limitations, in those moments were all our will and effort were just not enough to get what we wanted so much. I wanted her to be here, I did my best and it was not enough.

However, in the good side of the experience, I am excited that this baby is a boy. It is going to bring such a fresh air. This on top I wanted to give Isabel so much a sister. Maybe some of the dreams are gone forever or maybe just posponed, who knows.