Almost two months old

Time goes fast. It has been two months since I wrote the last post. Many things are going on but the most important is that I am so pleased, thankful, graceful and joyful since Emily arrived to my life. We are doing great with her. She is an amazing baby. On monday, she will be two months and she already doubled her birth weight. She is also sleeping better at nights, she already smiles and cues. There are not words to express how much her father and her sister Isabel love her, they are so so so happy too. I went through a lot to bring this baby home and it was all worth it. I truly believe that very often when you truly put effort on something you will eventually have a reward. That is how I feel now.

In the meanwhile, I sometimes cry very often because I think of Inés and it hurts so much. And it also hurts that it is always going to hurt. It hurts so much that I loss the most precious in life. It still impacts my heart, my soul and my whole emotional world. It hurts that nothing and nobody can erase such a tragedy and that nobody can fill the empty space that exists in every family celebration, in every family picture and in every family members count. At the same time, this loss has brought a lot of union between me and my husband, it has brought courage and a lot of true joy. I love him more than ever, I respect him more than ever and I wish him the best mor ethan ever. I guess this new way of loving and enjoying is maybe a benefit of the life you have after loss.

Emilia looks like Inés and it brings memories to me, specially when she is peacefully slepping. She got Ines' eyelashes. When I see her sleeping, I just can't stop thinking that my body and my soul would not stand another loss. I really fear that something can happen to Isabel and Emilia, because I don't think I could stand it. But that is the price of love, the fear to loose it.

I always said that I just had to complete my family as planned before Ines' death in order to start Ines' legal case. Is not that I hate these people who are responsable of Ines' death, because I don't want hate to reside in my heart, in myself and my family. But, I guess that I will procede because until today we have not recieved an apology of their part, nor because their mistake, nor because they took advantage of the situation in order to 'covered' themselves at the expense of hurting us. Ines' information (file) was disappeared from the hospital, and her organs were not donated as we asked because they wanted to erase every single evidence in order to avoid legal implications. Those things hurt us very very much and made more difficult our recovery. Is not their mistake, is the nasty behavior these people showed us when we were more vulnerable than ever. They hurt us much more than anyone can think. So a new topic for this blog will soon begin.