Brief

We are doing great with Emilia. Nursing is already estalished, definately the second one is far easier when it comes to nursing, eventhough the latch of a 37 week newborn is by far less strong than the latch of a 40 week old newborn, so basically I just nurse her all day long. The next step is to begin pumping some breast milk to complement her with a bottle, specially at nights. This is maybe until she grows a little and develops a stronger latch.

The first two nights at home were critical, we stayed awake most of the time, but the third night (lats night) she slept much better and me too. We complemented her feeding with some formula since I was terribly exhausted and feeling a bit of blues. B fed her and I rested and I feel great today, the blues went away. Isabel is happy and behaving like an amazing big sister, she is being amazingly tolerant with the situation, she is great. B has been amazingly supportive and I see how the three of us were more than ready to receive little Emilia. Here are some pics! She is almost a week old!

She is here!

Emilia is here, she arrived one day before, on Wednesday, March 30, 2011. We are more than joyful, we are pleased that she arrived safely. No words can describe how much love and pain have been involved in this very long journey, but it is just worth it. She looks very much like her both sisters, except that she is very tiny since she was born in week 37 instead of week 39 and 40. Yesterday was our first day at home and of course I am already sleep deprived, but the sleep deprived you want to be, because last year I was sleep deprived because of the intense grief I went through after Inés died. I hope I can post Emilia's complete birth story soon, now I do have limited time. But I just wanted to let know that she is here and the 5 of us are so joyful.

Thursday March 31 st, 2011

The big day is almost here. My c-section is programmed to happen this Thursday March 31 st, 2011 at 4pm central time. So Emilia will be born at week 37 and 4 days. God bless you Emilia, we are eager to meet you and have you here in Earth with us for many many years.

36 weeks and 6 days

Ok. Today I am feeling better. The nasty 'intruders' are still there but they have shorten and release me from that terrible pain. I can't stand up for long, so I remain sitted most of the time, but I am not in pain and I am thankful for that. Emilia is fine, she is moving very actively so she reassures me often.

The past week was very challenging, not only because the pain, and that I was only capable to spend my days in 2 positions; laying in bed in the right or left side. That is it. The most challenging was these hemorrhoids brought all the most sad memories and thoughts about Inés' death. Fucking swollen hemorrhoids were not the direct cause (off course)of her dying, but they were in fact the triggering event of Inés' death. I know such statememnt is beyond comprehension, but is true. Now, such stupidity causes me the worst of frustrations, angers and sad moments.

As expected, these past days I went through the most terrifying déjà vu. All memories just jumped into ourlives because while I was getting better last time, then Inés stop moving, then she died. So many of us were wondering what was going to happen this time, even though we clearly know that what happen to Inés can't repeat this time. At least not in the exact same way.

People such as friends, neighbors and extended family realized that something wrong was going on these past days since we didn't show up to a couple of important events and people perceived our routine was changed. My car didn't move for more than 10 days and people realize such changes. They became stressed because when I was pregnnat with Inés we behaved the same and then Inés died. I received some calls with questions on how I am doing, why I didn't show up, how is the baby doing or just to checked if everything is ok. I sure appreciate their concerns, because I know they want the best for us. I do understand their stress, but the calls somehow bothered me since they just add up to our own already magnified stress. Even Isabel, she was continously watching and asking me 'mom why are you in bed?','Is Emilia ok or she is dying? (My God 5 year olds are so clear and direct)One day she came back from school and I was taking a nap in my bed, she suddenly pull off my blankets and told me "I want to see your belly, Is Emilia still their"

One day, I just cried long because I thought that I have been through a lot these past two years. My soul is exhausted and my body feels worn out. I was thinking that I have been pregnant during 18 months in the past 2 years. I know many BLMs want to be soon pregnant, including myself, and I was very lucky to make it possible, but trust me that such thing also has its own challenges, emotionally and physically.

Above all, today is a great day. I am happy and joyful, just 2 days from carrying a full term baby. Such milestone gives me some peace of mine. The pain is gone and I am preparing from home the last things for her arrival. Yesterday I ordered a beautiful basket with retreats for our visitors at the hospital. It was expensive (ouch) but I wanted to pampered ourselves. I just washed her cloths, they are ready to be packed. I can't believe it, I am packing!!! Next Tuesday (Week 37 with 3 days) I 'll see the doctor, he will check how much she weights and then we will decide the date for the C Section but it is almost certain that she will be born between next Thursady and Sunday. Please keep your fingers cross for these last days.

I see her things and I just can't believe is a matter of days...I am so happy and thankful. I can't wait to bring her home :)

35 weeks

I am 35 weeks pregnant!

However four days ago I got the worst case of hemorrhoids. Nasty huge piles and I have been in accute physical pain since Sunday evening. I can't sit, I can't walk, and I am in a constant deep pain. I have been mostly in bed and following the medical indications, but after four days I see almost no progress. I am in such a pain that I can't even concentrate to write. I guess that when I get better I will tell you about my life during this final track. Today is just horrible. Pregnancy is so so hard.

Facing the last weeks

I really want to bring home this baby. B, Isabel and I are too excited about this baby. I can't wait. I am in the phase were everyday is passing very very slowly. It's been three weeks since I posted and I felt It was like two months.

I have also been experiencing excitement combined with anguish, which I don't enjoy. I am trying to swim every weekend, this past Saturday I was preparing our things to go out to our pool and suddenly I jumped to get a tote that was sitting in the top of my closet. It was a very light jump. Then I totally freaked out because I thought I could have damaged the placenta. I am not kidding, I went to the bathroom and I checked if I could see any blood or discharge. Then I ran to my heart beat detector that I couldn't find because I was so stressed that I couldn't recall where I left it. B was on the phone and then he hang. He came to me and asked me if we were ready for a great swim and I just felt so lonley, I was hating the fact that I am the person who can detect if anything goes wrong, I felt too responsable. I did not want to think more on it and we went swimming. The good thing is that after swiming I had my regular appointment with the OB. So the three of us went and the doctor checked me and the baby and he found everything fine. So I went home reassured. But on Sunday I start thinkg that maybe the placenta was damaged and the doctor didn't realize it. It is hard for me to trust in doctors since they miss things. Then I felt that Emilia was not moving as in the past days, so during all day I was checking her heart beat, eating sugary things to feel her move more often and I was just feeling anguished. I went to bed early to stop my negative thoughts.

Such thoughts are not a good combination with Isabel's excitement. You must see Isabel's excitement. She is just so so so excited about this baby. Sometimes I feel so stressed because if something happens to Emilia I would have to go and adopt a baby and bring that baby home. I don't think I could tell her again that she lost another sister. Even writing that scares me.

Today it was a much better day. I woke up and decided to put together the stroller we bought for Inés. I said to myself that I trusted that this baby is coming home with us so I am putting together the stroller again. I also recalled when I put it away last time and felt happy this time I am dealing with it is for great reason.

Today I just want her to be here and dtaring to count the days and hours....

28 Weeks

This is my belly with Emilia at 28 weeks pregnant.

I just want to share that I feel so grateful that little Emilia is here tonight.

She is kicking and moving all around.

Every day, every week I feel so so joyful that she is here with us, in this Earth.

I am also grateful because she came so soon after, she is a my strength, my inspiration.

I love you Emilia, you are more than a rainbow in my life.